Dissecting a Trope: Ancient Man, Young Woman

Contains spoilers for Sarah J Maas's "A Court of..." series, though I've only read the first 2 books and I really enjoyed them and you should read them too, and I'm going to try to remember to get them out of the library on the walk home from picking my little one up from nursery today and did you know there's a library app that lets you download audio books and I just had to correct a typo and have turned on a podcast to shut up my brain so I can write this whole thing properly rather than rabbit holing with a suspected ADHD brain. It's incredible how much background noise like TV/podcasts can help me focus. For me, documentaries are much better than lyricless music.

Let's start again.

This contains spoilers for Sarah J Maas's "A Court of.." series, and may contain spoilers for Twilight/50 Shades of Grey/Buffy the Vampire Slayer though nothing that isn't widely discussed already.

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I've been contemplating an apparent contradiction: I feel that I strongly dislike stories with a romance between a young, innocent woman and a powerful, ancient being, and yet my favourite romances in roleplay games are between Svetlana and the King, an older man, and especially Taji and the Undying Fury of Creation, which definitely falls into this trope.

Doesn't it? He's thousands of years old, incredibly strong and powerful; she's in her early twenties, a bit lost the way people in their early twenties are, dealing with a dramatic childhood.

And Svetlana. Ok, so Noleski isn't ancient, but he is powerful: he was Regent when they met, King when they married, and he's older than her - only a few years, but still older. That feels similar. 

I am deeply uncomfortable with Edward/Bella in Twilight. Full disclosure, I haven't read Twilight; I read Reasoning With Vampires instead, and that was a few years ago. However, he's an ancient, powerful vampire, she's a naive girl. I have read 50 Shades of Gray and (having grown out of alt universe fan fic) it leans heavily on that relationship. The power imbalance.

It's like in Buffy. I love Buffy; I grew up with the show and it gave me a female protagonist who was allowed to be angry, who was allowed to make mistakes and figure things out and find her own way. Oh, but but but! Then there's Angel. The way he followed her around. It was creepy to me. I saw that she was attracted to him back, per the story, but it made me uncomfortable and I didn't understand why. The relationship with Spike was more honestly broken.

Which moves me on to A Court of Thorns and Roses. This was described to me by a friend as a take on Beauty and the Beast, but as she talked I commented it sounded more like the Ballad of Tam Lin. She hadn't known this story, but the version I knew runs basically as: a young woman called Janet or similar is told by her father that she will rule all this land (always made me think of the scene in The Lion King even though the ballad is much older). This includes a woodland in which lives a mysterious man who demands sex from women as price of passage. She goes through the wood and tells the man she owns it so he can't demand anything, but they have an affair anyway. She returns to her family, and her uncle realises she's pregnant and helps her get back to Tam Lin who is a mortal taken by faeries and due to be sacrificed to hell. She saves him by lying in wait, pulling him from his horse and clinging to him as he is changed into various beasts and elements. The fairy queen isn't happy, but gives him up, and Janet finishes her labour and gives birth (Janet is nails).

I promised I wouldn't get distracted again; I've shared this because it's another version of this trope and there's a lot in it I like. Not the way the titular character will sexually abuse women, but the way the main character is a strong-willed woman who saves her love while pregnant. It's not especially well known so I thought it might need more explanation than, say, Twilight.

A Court of Thorns and Roses actually leans into the abuse aspect of this trope, but subtly. If you were a fan of Twilight, you might not even pick up on the ick in the way the High Fae Tamlin treats young mortal Feyre. The sequel makes it overt, unmissable even to the most blinded Christian Gray fan. She finds and falls in love with another of the High Fae, also ancient and powerful, but the relationship is more balanced: the first book ends with her becoming High Fae herself, so there is less power imbalance, and Rhys treats her respectfully and as an equal.

And this, this difference between Tamlin in Thorns and Roses and Rhysand in Mist and Fury, is the heart of why I love the trope as applied to my roleplay characters and hate it in Twilight. Because it's not about the age gap, it's not about the power, it's about how it's applied, about the relationship itself.

So let us return first to Svetlana and Noleski. He's the King; he has more political power. She helps bolster that power, but it is a love match. She chooses to be with him for herself, not for their power, and it's a free choice: he has never manipulated her. He never tries to control her, although their natures are different. He respects that she is restless and needs to travel, and she responds to that by talking to him when she is intending to go on an adventure (out of character, he's not going to stop her because the game is about the group's adventures, and he can be a source of adventures). 

And Taji and the Undying Fury of Creation. This one is much more akin to A Court of... - the High Fae have a soul mate (can't remember the precise term used), and this binds Fayre and Rhys (Tamlin tries to pretend he has this link with Feyre and it's part of how tries to control her). Taji is a Solar, Fury is her Lunar mate: this bond ties them. In game mechanic terms, their bond has Legendary status (I'm so excited about this, because it's evidence of player agency in our world! When we first met, I sent a message to another major NPC and the words I used made my GM doubletake, then pause the game to scribble loads of notes, and it's this, the strength of the bond was born in that moment). Anyway, this bond makes them want to be near each other. In standard game terms, Lunars have a compass-like sensation, direction and distance, that draws them to their Solar mates, while Solars usually have nothing. For Fury, this bond is inescapable. It's so strong, Taji feels it to, a sense of the distance between them. So they're linked, connected like that. And he's ancient and powerful, and she's young. But she's strong-willed, she knows her own mind, she has dreams and the grit and determination to achieve them. She's lacking knowledge and experience and makes plenty of mistakes, but isn't naive. He supports her; she has taken his protection and support for granted due to her youth, but this is something that changes as the story develops. And she loves him for the him of him, the thoughtfulness and gentleness he shows her. It's not the bond forcing the love (other bonded people are intensely close friends, for instance), but their bond does impact how they feel. And Taji has the potential to live long enough that this age gap will become minimal.

What's the difference? In the games, a huge part is the agency and control I have as the person playing the young woman. In fiction, when the relationship seems based on mutual respect and support, when the power is balanced in a healthy, shared way, that's when I really enjoy it.

(I can't think of any examples where the roles are reversed. Where an ancient, powerful woman and a naive young man end up in a long term relationship. A few flings, maybe, always from the male perspective.)

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A quick life update

I've got a date for Hunter character gen! Very excited: 2 weeks. I'll give more detail after. Am also really nervous, because it's new to me to be the one in charge...

Broke my finger. It hurts. Got caught in the fabric when I was doing a drop, and I didn't realise until it was too late. First confirmed broken bone of my life (hairline fracture on my ribs, and possible broken toe first week of uni, but this was far worse and impossible to ignore). During x-ray, I said "it hurts!" and the radiologist went "I can see why!" and with that acknowledgement that there was something real, the pain faded to a much more tolerable level. Physio tomorrow: as an aerialist and being hypermobile, it was really stressed to me that I must attend even if I feel ok.

I usually manage my fibro pain through exercise, so I'm not feeling great at the moment. I'm doing what I feel I can, but it's so much less than normal. I can just about straddle to the hoop on one arm, though, which took me by surprise.

Getting support to do the ADHD forms tomorrow. The more I've looked into it, the more I've realised it's the missing bit, part of the reason I could hide being autistic so well. It's helping me find ways to manage myself better, to be accepting and forgiving, which leads to less time spent feeling like a failure and more time spent trying. 

I'm still tied in knots of grief, and that's ok.

I'm still writing.

I'm still here.

Rambles

It feels strange to write here, like I have to pretend I'm not in mourning when I am, or like I have to pretend I'm so deep in mourning that nothing else exists.

And neither's true. Both are true. It's never as simple as black and white; when we think that way, we don't just miss the shades of grey, but a full spectrum of colour.

Going through this bereavement with an understanding that I am autistic and have ADHD helps me understand a lot more about how I have handled (and not handled) grief in the past. It's still a tangled mess in my head; I might find the words one day but at the moment I'm still getting the sense and shape of it.

And this isn't where I wanted to go with my writing here today.

I've been rediscovering my tactile creative side: Ziggy (who now prefers Zigzag as a nickname. He says Zigzag is his Blood Bowl name, and his real name has been relegated to his "other name") let me play with his air-dry clay and I can see that becoming a real hyperfixation if I let it. It was pleasurable to mold the clay, and the ways it shaped surprised me. Waiting for our projects to dry so we can decorate them.

The anthology I'm published in is out in paperback here. I don't get royalties or commission or anything, but I am excited to share it.

What did I want to talk about today? I want to share my joy in the Exalted I'm playing in. I'm back in Second Age Exalted as envisiged by Rich, playing Taji alongside Bells as her twin brother, Kito. I love the relationship between the twins - I really enjoy having a close relationship with another PC. And there's wonderful relationships with the NPC's too, and they are different for each twin. Kito is terrified of Taji's lunar mate, for instance, yet Taji is utterly and deeply in love with him. She knows he's dangerous, but sees him as guardian rather than threat. Then there's the Emissary, a character from the meta but taken into his own by our GM, a friend and mentor - even a father figure - for the twins, supporting them individually as well as guiding them together. I really enjoy the depth of character Rich has created for each of the major NPC's, whether entirely his creation, or inspired by characters named in the book. The love, the fear, the laughter. It's an important part of TTRPG campaigns for me: it's the relationships that keep bringing me back.

I want to offer that to my Hunter group, help them build the bonds between the PC's and give them friendships, meaningful relationships outside as well. I want to give them the ties to make them fight harder...

I'm not sure how to do this, and I won't know what I need to learn until I've tried.

First session hopefully in Feb. Got to confirm and finalise a date.

Wish me luck!

Running Hunter

I haven't run a game since uni, and only ever run a handful of sessions. But I want to introduce new people to TTRPG's and I want to run games for them that might bring them the same pleasure playing brings me.

I don't know if it will work. I haven't the experience to bring the skill to running games as yet, and also playing is one of my biggest Special Interests, so I'm not sure other people can even get as much out of these games as I can. 

I'm going to try, though. I'm going to run Hunter. I feel confident in White Wolf systems; I like rolling all those dice, and I like the flexibility of creating dice pools. I have played in Hunter before, but a long, long time ago. This gives me an idea of how it can feel (although we were playing within a wider World of Darkness where we were also werewolves and vampires).

I've got a good setting in mind, my take on a town called Aberrheidol (a name that may be familiar to some of my uni friends). It's a coastal Welsh town, with a ruined castle and a pier and hills and woodlands and all sorts of cool things. I'm transplanting a few landmarks from other places too. It's a location I know well, so I think that will help.

I've got a few ideas for NPC's, and I think a plothook for the first adventure, but I'm not especially set in stone there. I'm looking forward to the book arriving to do more on this. On which note, I never treat myself but I looked in my PayPal and it was the exact right amount for the book so it was a great justification to treat myself and I'm so excited.

No idea how we're going to organise when we're playing, or even a full list of who I'm inviting. They need to want to play the way I want to run and also have free time when I do. However, I refuse to let this be a pipedream; I insist on bringing it to reality.

There will be more to follow...

Happy Hallowe'en

On the day of the dead, when the year too dies,
Must the youngest open the oldest hills
Through the door of the birds, where the breeze breaks.
There fire shall fly from the raven boy,
And the silver eyes that see the wind,
And the light shall have the harp of gold.

By the pleasant lake the Sleepers lie,
On Cadfan’s Way where the kestrels call;
Though grim from the Grey King shadows fall,
Yet singing the golden harp shall guide
To break their sleep and bid them ride.

When light from the lost land shall return,
Six Sleepers shall ride, six Signs shall burn,
And where the midsummer tree grows tall
By Pendragon’s sword the Dark shall fall.

Y maent yr mynyddoedd yn canu,
ac y mae’r arglwyddes yn dod. 

 

 ~ Susan Cooper, The Dark Is Rising series

I love this poem so much. I don't know exactly why, but from the very first time I read that opening line, I was hooked. Every Hallowe'en, it rises unbidden and I must seek it out and read it again. I'm certain I've shared it here before, but have it again. And if you haven't read the series it's from, go! Go now, and find Over Sea, Under Stone and read it. I know it's meant for children and it's mostly adults who read my book, but go read it now with your child eyes. I hope it stirs something in you like it did me.

 

It's the third book in the series, The Green Witch, that captivates me the most. The dream-like sequence with Jane under water with the witch. It haunts me. 

 

I love liminal things, being at the edges. I love to stand on the sand with the sea washing my toes, or dipping them into the stream beneath the trees, or to stand in the depths of a woodland, at the boundary between civilisation and wildness, between reality and possibility.

 

I've always felt a very liminal person. Today is the day of the dead, the day the veil thins and we can almost caress our dead loved ones. Death, being dead, has always frightened me. One part of my brain accepts that after death comes nothingness, a lack of existence, and that terrifies me more than I can bear. But I have other parts of me too, and I have learnt to let them talk, to let them soothe the fear so I can still breathe, still think. Parts of me that aren't afraid of death, but fascinated by it. Parts of me that wish they could be a Ferryman.

 

To try and help me deal with my fear of my own mortality, my Dad explained to me that one of the roles of the Hindu Goddess I was named for, my middle name, Kali, is death, is a psychopomp. The word appealed to me: a spirit or other divine being who guides a soul from one life, one state of being, to the next (that I, a white western woman, am named with Celtic and Hindu influences, is something I sometimes feel I need to address for concerns of cultural appropriation. I will leave it, for fear of overexplaining, with that a dear friend of my mother is Hindu).

 

I'd like to be both a doula and a death doula, someone who spends time with a person entering the world, and leaving it. I think it's why the Witches are my favourite Discworld characters: I immediately understood that was a role of theirs.

 

Hallowe'en is a day for reflecting on death, and Death, and other worlds. It's a day for considering who we are, and who we want to be. Death in Tarot doesn't necessarily mean the end of life, rather it represents change, the end of a stage. It is paired with the hope of rebirth, in some form.

 

Covid has shifted the world, and the world is trying to realise itself again. It could go in many directions. Some of the most hopeful have already been closed off, but at my core I'm an optimist.

 

I've always felt in a liminal state, torn between possibilities. I feel as though I may be starting to peel through them to find the balance point, the place where I'm meant to be.

I Miss My Mum

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment. I had to leave care even though I enjoyed it: I was so stressed that my eyebrows fell out. Several times. And one of them looks like a normal eyebrow (but not the bushy eyebrow had before), and the other is slowly returning.

Diagnosis: stress-induced localised alopecia.  Eyebrows, head hair (I lost a third of it last time we moved house and a third of it there), leg hair.

I gave myself a fringe.

I'm waiting for formal diagnosis of autism. I'm on the second waiting list: the first waiting list was 6 months long and getting that interview confirmed I am autistic and gave me a place on the longer waiting list for formal diagnosis. It's something we've considered since I was in my teens, and dismissed, and come back to, and the care job put me in a place where I needed the diagnosis.

Since then, I've realised the trauma of birth and having a child in the house, no matter how much I adore him (which is more than the world), has had a huge impact on me and my ability to cope with the world and society.

Aerial circus is a lifesaver and my current main job.

I haven't written here because I barely know who I am. I am trying to get support and therapy, so I will get there, I'm just lost at the moment. 

I've always been scared of being self employed or trying to make it as a writer, but right at the moment trying to do anything else (except parent and teach circus) has become even more frightening, so you know what, I'm going to try. I submitted a short story a few weeks ago: not submitting it had become more terrifying than trying.

Covid has made the world a liminal place. We're teetering on the edge of societal shifts, and it's exciting and terrifying and interesting and I don't know where it will land - and I feel like this is paralleled in me.

My Mum died when I was little. Have I talked about this before? I background miss her always, but right now that feeling is stronger.

Here I am. Here I am trying. I disagree with Yoda: there is try: try is the step between not doing and doing. If you don't believe in try, you will never escape not doing; you will never do.

I intend to do.