Dissecting a Trope: Ancient Man, Young Woman

Contains spoilers for Sarah J Maas's "A Court of..." series, though I've only read the first 2 books and I really enjoyed them and you should read them too, and I'm going to try to remember to get them out of the library on the walk home from picking my little one up from nursery today and did you know there's a library app that lets you download audio books and I just had to correct a typo and have turned on a podcast to shut up my brain so I can write this whole thing properly rather than rabbit holing with a suspected ADHD brain. It's incredible how much background noise like TV/podcasts can help me focus. For me, documentaries are much better than lyricless music.

Let's start again.

This contains spoilers for Sarah J Maas's "A Court of.." series, and may contain spoilers for Twilight/50 Shades of Grey/Buffy the Vampire Slayer though nothing that isn't widely discussed already.

~~~

I've been contemplating an apparent contradiction: I feel that I strongly dislike stories with a romance between a young, innocent woman and a powerful, ancient being, and yet my favourite romances in roleplay games are between Svetlana and the King, an older man, and especially Taji and the Undying Fury of Creation, which definitely falls into this trope.

Doesn't it? He's thousands of years old, incredibly strong and powerful; she's in her early twenties, a bit lost the way people in their early twenties are, dealing with a dramatic childhood.

And Svetlana. Ok, so Noleski isn't ancient, but he is powerful: he was Regent when they met, King when they married, and he's older than her - only a few years, but still older. That feels similar. 

I am deeply uncomfortable with Edward/Bella in Twilight. Full disclosure, I haven't read Twilight; I read Reasoning With Vampires instead, and that was a few years ago. However, he's an ancient, powerful vampire, she's a naive girl. I have read 50 Shades of Gray and (having grown out of alt universe fan fic) it leans heavily on that relationship. The power imbalance.

It's like in Buffy. I love Buffy; I grew up with the show and it gave me a female protagonist who was allowed to be angry, who was allowed to make mistakes and figure things out and find her own way. Oh, but but but! Then there's Angel. The way he followed her around. It was creepy to me. I saw that she was attracted to him back, per the story, but it made me uncomfortable and I didn't understand why. The relationship with Spike was more honestly broken.

Which moves me on to A Court of Thorns and Roses. This was described to me by a friend as a take on Beauty and the Beast, but as she talked I commented it sounded more like the Ballad of Tam Lin. She hadn't known this story, but the version I knew runs basically as: a young woman called Janet or similar is told by her father that she will rule all this land (always made me think of the scene in The Lion King even though the ballad is much older). This includes a woodland in which lives a mysterious man who demands sex from women as price of passage. She goes through the wood and tells the man she owns it so he can't demand anything, but they have an affair anyway. She returns to her family, and her uncle realises she's pregnant and helps her get back to Tam Lin who is a mortal taken by faeries and due to be sacrificed to hell. She saves him by lying in wait, pulling him from his horse and clinging to him as he is changed into various beasts and elements. The fairy queen isn't happy, but gives him up, and Janet finishes her labour and gives birth (Janet is nails).

I promised I wouldn't get distracted again; I've shared this because it's another version of this trope and there's a lot in it I like. Not the way the titular character will sexually abuse women, but the way the main character is a strong-willed woman who saves her love while pregnant. It's not especially well known so I thought it might need more explanation than, say, Twilight.

A Court of Thorns and Roses actually leans into the abuse aspect of this trope, but subtly. If you were a fan of Twilight, you might not even pick up on the ick in the way the High Fae Tamlin treats young mortal Feyre. The sequel makes it overt, unmissable even to the most blinded Christian Gray fan. She finds and falls in love with another of the High Fae, also ancient and powerful, but the relationship is more balanced: the first book ends with her becoming High Fae herself, so there is less power imbalance, and Rhys treats her respectfully and as an equal.

And this, this difference between Tamlin in Thorns and Roses and Rhysand in Mist and Fury, is the heart of why I love the trope as applied to my roleplay characters and hate it in Twilight. Because it's not about the age gap, it's not about the power, it's about how it's applied, about the relationship itself.

So let us return first to Svetlana and Noleski. He's the King; he has more political power. She helps bolster that power, but it is a love match. She chooses to be with him for herself, not for their power, and it's a free choice: he has never manipulated her. He never tries to control her, although their natures are different. He respects that she is restless and needs to travel, and she responds to that by talking to him when she is intending to go on an adventure (out of character, he's not going to stop her because the game is about the group's adventures, and he can be a source of adventures). 

And Taji and the Undying Fury of Creation. This one is much more akin to A Court of... - the High Fae have a soul mate (can't remember the precise term used), and this binds Fayre and Rhys (Tamlin tries to pretend he has this link with Feyre and it's part of how tries to control her). Taji is a Solar, Fury is her Lunar mate: this bond ties them. In game mechanic terms, their bond has Legendary status (I'm so excited about this, because it's evidence of player agency in our world! When we first met, I sent a message to another major NPC and the words I used made my GM doubletake, then pause the game to scribble loads of notes, and it's this, the strength of the bond was born in that moment). Anyway, this bond makes them want to be near each other. In standard game terms, Lunars have a compass-like sensation, direction and distance, that draws them to their Solar mates, while Solars usually have nothing. For Fury, this bond is inescapable. It's so strong, Taji feels it to, a sense of the distance between them. So they're linked, connected like that. And he's ancient and powerful, and she's young. But she's strong-willed, she knows her own mind, she has dreams and the grit and determination to achieve them. She's lacking knowledge and experience and makes plenty of mistakes, but isn't naive. He supports her; she has taken his protection and support for granted due to her youth, but this is something that changes as the story develops. And she loves him for the him of him, the thoughtfulness and gentleness he shows her. It's not the bond forcing the love (other bonded people are intensely close friends, for instance), but their bond does impact how they feel. And Taji has the potential to live long enough that this age gap will become minimal.

What's the difference? In the games, a huge part is the agency and control I have as the person playing the young woman. In fiction, when the relationship seems based on mutual respect and support, when the power is balanced in a healthy, shared way, that's when I really enjoy it.

(I can't think of any examples where the roles are reversed. Where an ancient, powerful woman and a naive young man end up in a long term relationship. A few flings, maybe, always from the male perspective.)

~~~

Did you know you can buy me a coffee? Check out this link (I appreciate any support).

Exalted - Our First Command

This is the story of our Second Age Exalted game, told from the point of view of my character, Cathak Taji. Click here for the index.

~~~

 

We headed north, knowing we couldn't take on the Bull (yet) but determined to learn as much about him as possible. The journey was uneventful: we rested at Port Kaylen, where the gate guard slept as we walked past. The inn we stayed in was cheap, pleasant in itself, but run by a harridan. We were back at Highcastle by the next evening. Rey greeted us with good news: she'd been reassigned with us as the Empress pulled some strings after our visit, and was glad to be out of the cold. She led us to Rose Black and the leader of House Tepet to make our promotion official. Our new unit was the 73rd Regiment, a scale within the 33rd Legion. Our first mission had the primary objective of coming back alive: to the north was The Hold of White Idols, a rice farming region whose produce supplied much of the Realm and Threshold, but they'd gone quiet recently and we were to learn why. On our way, we were to stop at a holding of one of the lesser Houses of Ledaal. She gave us a Hearthstone amulet that would allow us to contact her, our medals of office showing us as Scale Lords, and sent us on our way.

We picked our way through the campsite to reach our scale, their tents in a semicircle that broke the perfect order of the camp. 6 who appeared to be normal humans, and 6 Dynasts: 3 from Tepet, 2 from Cathak and 1 Ledaal, Sven. He called us "kids", but I managed not to rise to his baiting. We were young, and I knew we'd soon prove we were there on merit.

They were the troublemakers, which delighted me. It meant they could think.

We found a rabbit in Kito's bed that night. I was set to punish them or at least get revenge, but Kito calmed me and I listened. We fashioned it a harness and named it 'Ghost' and kept it as a mascot. It was a sweet thing, white with black spots.

We left in the morning and got to know our unit as we travelled. Cathak Cainan was particularly grizzled and seemed to have the most leadership experience. The other member of our House, Kou, was the youngest of the Dynasts, an Immaculate Monk wearing a tunic with a leaping flame motif. House Tepet was represented by Rihannon, a blonde-haired older woman with a reaper diklaive and an excellent cook, Elena, who felt familiar until it struck me she reminded me of the Rose Black, and Hoarst, whose bald head was one of the shiniest things I'd ever seen, and who seemed... shifty. He kept grumbling about the cold. Ledaal Sven had fair hair and skin, blue eyes and light stubble, and seemed young and irreverent. Everything was a joke to him - I had no doubt he was behind Ghost's appearance. Of the mortals, Osada and Iki were married. They wore full plate armour as though it were nothing, and had strange amulets grafted into their wrists. Matsu Dairu had a pair of ornate guns with which he was very skilled.

After half a day's travel, Sven was already bored. We could hear running water and headed toward it. Before we reached the river, we found a giant rock gouged with great clawmarks indicating we were passing into an Anathema's territory. After a quick discussion, we decded to take the risk as the river would vastly speed up our travel. Once we reached it, Cainan oversaw the building of a raft while Rihannon, a good fisherman and cook, prepared a meal. Osada, Rey, Elena and I secured the perimeter, and I learnt more about Osada and Iki's armour. It wasn't full plate, but "gonzai" armour, linked to the amulets. It's a special kind of power armour that can be used by those who can't normally channel essence, but it halves their lifespan. In thanks for such a sacrifice, the Realm promises to look after their families and gives them a command. He met Iki through this, and they're here rather than commanding their own unit because they're coming to the end of their time and "well, I'm not the type to die in bed, so I'm refusing to retire." I could respect that.

Cainan and I were sharing watch when the tyrant lizard attacked that night, crashed through the trees towards our camp. I fired arrows into it as Cainan swung at it. It bent its mighty head and caught him in his jaws, lifting to swallow him, but in that instant he flared so that it looked like it was breathing fire for a moment and cut his way free, the sword getting wedged as he finally fell. I fired an arrow into its open mouth and must have hit a nerve that caused the jaws to snap shut, lodging the sword deep into the creature's brain. We looked at each other with the joy of hard fought victory. There's good eating on a tyrant lizard. Rihannon joined us in time to organise the creature's dissection, splitting the parts into edible, valuable, useful and detritus.

The river raced us along until we reached an offshoot used to irrigate the fields of the Ledaal holding. We saw fewer people than we'd expected, but it seemed to be very efficient. Overseers stared as we floated past,visibly relaxing when they saw the  Imperial red armour worn by some of the unit.

After tying up the raft, we were led to Overseer Vash, a corpulent man grown comfortable in his position. He introduced us to his servant George and showed us around. Housing for the workers and livestock was pointed out and dismissed as he led us to the gardens, replete with ornate topiaries and pristine lawns and flower beds. Even the ivy clinging to the buildings was immaculate. The stables housed horses of particularly fine eastern stock. As we approached the main house, servants tripped out and lined up as though for an inspection. Vash then offered his hospitality for as long as we might want, his obsequious bow and unctuous grin failing to hide his desire it wouldn't be long: with so many Dynasts in our party, perhaps he thought he was being replaced. He then began a detailed tour of the house, and this was when we noticed Hoarst was missing. Kito left Sven in charge, and we snuck off to look for him.

We found him in a study, feet on table, flicking through paperwork, looking, he explained, for any dodgy dealings. Behind him, a painting rested on the floor to expose a safe in the wall, the open door revealing a jewellery box filled with large gems, and two talents of yellow jade! Hoarst chuckled at our shocked expressions. 

"There was more." He indicated the paperwork. "Our Overseer Vash has been dealing with the Azlanti." And not just the Azlanti: he showed us where 12 talents had been paid to the Azlanti, 5 to the Guild (for slaves), and finally 5 to the Realm. Payments had been coming later and later and with less and less interest, so the Realm had become suspicious. This was the real reason we'd been told to go via this site. He explained something the Rose Black had omitted telling us: each member of our unit has their own purpose and their own mission. This was his.

As we helped him restore the room, I discovered a secret compartment in the safe, holding a key labled 73256. Hoarst pocketed the guide and promised to keep digging, but seemed genuinely impressed I'd found the key. We rejoined the tour briefly: Sven was doing a fantastic job of keeping Vash occupied, so we slipped off again to look for a bigger safe. 

 

Kito suggested the wine cellar, figuring a safe as large as we're expecting would have to be underground. As we walked, Hoarst explained the unit's recent history. The previous leader, Scale Lord Chow, faced down an Anathema so the rest could escape, but even so half the unit had died. 

The wine cellar was filled with expensive bottles of wine and spirits, and barrels of various sizes, up to some several metres in diameter laid on their sides. One of these sounded empty so I fiddled around and found a catch that opened the front, revealing a large metal door. The key fitted the latch, and the number turned out to be the code. The wall the barrel had been pressed against wasn't, as it had appeared, been the edge of the cellar. While the room had been large, where we now stood was even larger. The size and structure made us think the room had to be Shogunite, or even older, but was clearly in current use. The wine stored here was worth even more than that we'd already seen. There were green jade talents stacked fairly near the door, artworks and other items dotted around. Kito found a small box in green jade. Opening it, we found 8 needles around the length of a finger and the diameter of a stem of wheat, 2 in each of the magical materials. We recognised them as Wound Healing Needles and hid them in my bag. A fine pair of gloves next caught our eyes, chased in orichalcum. The left included a Hearthstone socket. Kito identified them as Gloves of Martial Readiness, and again we squirrelled them away. I picked up a small orichalcum chevron, that could clip over a belt buckle, and spent a moment attuning to it. Throwing it to the ground caused it to expand until I could stand on it, hovering. It responded to my awkward movements and my feet felt secured. With practice, I knew it would make a very useful archery platform (I'd later learn it was known as a Wind Blade Class Personal Transport, and it remains one of my favourite possessions). Finally was another small jade box, with motifs picked out in moonsilver, locked and dusty like it had been discarded. Kito attuned to this which allowed him to open it and discover a plasma tongue repeater, like the one the Highcastle Quarter Master had given us, complete with ammo. I restored my wind blade to belt buckle sized and shared a look with Kito: there was a lot of orichalcum in the room.

What we found there made us look more closely at the yellow jade Hoarst had found in the office. Stamped by the Imperial Mint but dated to the first 5 or 6 years of the Shogunite. We took these and rejoined our unit, throwing the jade down in front of Vash with our accusations. He prevaricated and tried to justify himself, but before he got far Elena's blade flashed past, beheading him. I was shocked and angry, wanting to hear more, especially about where he'd found the orichalcum items (Anathema tombs, but we didn't learn the location), and frustrated that she was acting on orders from above me and about which I knew nothing. I understood this wasn't unusual in an army situation, but I felt undermined and that was nearly unbearable. I suppressed my feelings and gave instructions to split up and find more evidence.

As the others amassed paperwork and such in the great hall, I found a hidden room behind the kitchen - I had to squirm through the back of a cupboard to reach it. Inside was a strange device, with an array of buttons and blinking lights. I didn't recognise any of the symbols and curiously tapped a couple of the buttons. The lights and some symbols changed. I tapped again, and the blinking intensified. An alarm sounded. I frantically batted more of the buttons until the blinking and alarm synced into what sounded like a countdown. I bolted from the strange room and started yelling for everyone to evacuate. As I reached the edge of the gardens, I saw a large, metal dragon-shape break out of the house and explode. I was shaken but not injured, unlike Kito who'd been trying to rescue servants. He was bleeding profusely when I found him, badly bruised all over with his leg twisted beneath him. We laid him out carefully, and I tested the needles. To my relief, they worked. Guards came running over, but Sven led them off. I instructed our unit to clear the ruin, and we got the surviving servants to prepare the guest house as the main residence.

 

As Kito came to, he pointed out there was no essence in the area. The device must have been similar to a Thousand Forged Dragon, though with less destructive power. All the same, it shouldn't have been possible to accidentally enter the launch code. Either I got very, very unlucky, or those things have a lifespan and become unstable towards the end. That might explain why there was less damage, too... Either way, I was just grateful my brother was ok and the damage not as bad as it might have been.

Exalted - Calibration and Manse Building

This is the story of our Second Age Exalted game, told from the point of view of my character, Cathak Taji. Click here for the index.

~~~

It was the run up to Calibration in the year 757, making us 17. We'd been in the army a couple of years, been promoted a few times. Reilly sent us back to Rose Black at High Castle, not giving us time to see Rey before we left. When we got there, the quartermaster greeted us: we'd sent back the various things he'd asked for every opportunity we'd had, and to show us his gratitude he gave us a power bow and a flame tongue repeater, with ammo pearls and a kit to make more.

My overriding memory of our return to High Castle was the sheer number of Dynasts strutting around the place. Rose Black called us to her as soon as she could, to explain that we'd been in the army long enough to be allowed home for an extended period, even to leave. However, she continued, they had a continuing real problem with beastmen and we'd proven ourself against them, and in particular she was worried by a threat from the north, an Anathema calling themselves "The Bull of the North". If we came back, she'd give us our own command. We looked at each other, torn: I wanted to go home and see my family, but I liked Rose Black a lot, and I knew this would help the Empress too, and beastmen were a menace, and I think Kito felt similarly. She read our inner conflict and told us we didn't have to make a decision until after Calibration and sent us back to Gruncle's.

The Emissary joined us to travel back and invited us to a sorcerors' meet, a feast from the end of the First Age. It's held on the nights when the rituals to summon the most dangerous demons must begin: by gathering the most powerful sorcerors together, this can't happen without knowledge. The Realm doesn't following the tradition and it's fallen out of practice. He wants to bring it back. The Empress can't attend due to her position (though says she may come in disguise).

We talked with him about Lunar's Warriors. He called them Stewards and explained they're paired with Lawgivers. The Bull of the North, we learn, is a Lawgiver, but won't be open to negotiation: he'll see us as representing a force trying to oppose him. The Emissary showed uncharacteristic emotion then, looking demonstrably worried: there should be 300 Lawgivers, but he only knows of Tsung (the Seer) and the Azure Titan (our former incarnations' mentor). With the Bull of the North, that's 4, or 6 if he's right about our destiny.

When we reached Gruncle's, Hak's there and we showed him the bush where Kito saw the mouse. He told us we're truly blessed. 

Once we'd been greeted by everyone and been fed and fussed, I sought Gruncle alone in his office - the one with the stunning view over the Estate that makes it look like the grounds are aflame as the sun sets. It was an awkward conversation, but I walked away  reassured that if Kito and I do end up Anathema then he will at least still talk to us, and he knew I understood he would protect us as best he could, but had to put the safety of the House first.

And then the Emissary told us it was time to leave for the feast. He drew a glass globe from his sleeve and dropped it to the floor, where it shattered to dust that rose to create a shimmering, transparent door. He opened it and ushered us into a corridor of similar doors, with large double doors at one end. Others of the doors like we'd entered by opened and people came through until around 25 people stood there. We walked through the main doors and I realised we were approaching a manse, somewhere in Elsewhere - that place that isn't the Wyld, isn't Creation, but is everywhere else. From the steps to the Manse door walked down two inhuman women, perfect mirror to each other, with strange metallic tattoos or engravings across their skin.

Most of the guests seemed snobby. Not rude towards us, exactly, but uninterested. The Seer - Tsung - was about the only exception, and the Emissary didn't seem entirely pleased by our acquaintance. We didn't recognise him to begin with, but I, at least, was pleased to see him. We talked to him about things we'd struggled to get others to explain to us, and finally learnt the significance of the white mouse and the symbol Kito had seen: a boon from the Unconquered Sun, a symbol of his favour, a moment of luck or inspiration to help overcome insurmountable odds, and very, very rare. His favourites may see one or two in their entire lives.

The food was incredible, which made up for how lonely it started to feel.

In the morning, the Emissary took us and Hak to check on some of his freeholdings in the west, leading us through a set of sliding doors to a mountainside overlooking the ocean. An archipelago stretched out, leading to a larger island in the northeast, but we walked away from the view toward the mountaintop, a blackened caldera. The heat haze and a wisp of smoke showed this to be dormant, not extinct. All the same, even at the centre the heat felt merely uncomfortable and not deadly as I'd expected. As the Emissary reached through the solid rock, I activated my All Encompassing Sorceror's Sight and realised there were no elementals around. He pulled on an orichalcum chain the other side of the rock, and the heat dissipated, the mountain melting with it to leave an evergreen forest. It felt unnatural: we hadn't left the tropical region, so these trees were distinctly out of place. 

"This is the first freehold," our expressions led him to explain more. "A freehold is a stable area in the Wyld," and he went on to explain the Wyld we'd been in before had been the Border Marches. We were now in the Middle Marches and beyond that was the Deep Wyld, chaos unformed. I looked more closely at our surroundings and realised we stood in a bubble: there was a distinct circumference around us where the trees and bushes were well-formed, moreso even than in Creation, but beyond that things started to blur.

We followed the Emissary as he led us to the Deep Wyld, the bubble continuing to protect us. A path formed as he trod, and we took care to stay on it. Beyond that was darkness - the darkness of a child's room, filled with monsters. Nothing there, yet everything.

He created a safe area for the 3 of us to wait in while he worked, and we chatted with Hak. He told us he'd never been to the Deep Wyld before: Viziers like him rely on Ambrosia - on prayers made manifest - but Lawgivers, frustrated by the limitations of Ambrosia, had learnt to manipulate the Wyld. 

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Very."

Golems stepped into existence around the Emissary, 12ft tall and golden. No, not gold: orichalum. Once there were 12, they knelt to him; he looked discomforted by the servitude, and tired by their creation. They returnedwith us, and Hak quietly explained to Kito and me that things created in the Wyld become unstable in Creation - further magics are required to give them solidity here, or they degrade. The magics were lost in the First Age: maybe 5 people have the knowledge now, and only 3 the power. 

The Emissary sent the golems around the island, which I now realised the caldera marked the very centre of, as we sat on its edge. He waited about 40 minutes - to allow them to get to the right places or for the sun to be in the right place, I wasn't sure - then clapped his hands as though into prayer and was hit by a torrent of light from the sun, cascading from him to flood the island until it reached what I surmised were the golems: 12 beams of light returned to the sky and expanded out to create a shield. As soon as the shield was complete, a 4-armed creature climbed from the soil to patrol the island, and magma began to bubble, rising from the ash of the caldera to reveal a simple sructure made of a composite of the 5 magical materials. The domed roof opened and the Emissary sank in.

Hak looked interested. As far as he'd known, only one person could do this, and that was the first sorceror, who'd been given her power by the Unconquered Sun.

A door appeared in the structure and the Emissary stepped out. He explained he had 30 planned, but could only manage maybe 10 this Calibration. Our offer of help was accepted, and Kito summoned a cloud to take us to the next location, a tiny rock in the ocean barely big enough for the 4 of us. The remaining golems (slightly smaller now) took their places beneath the waves and again pillars of light rose from them. The island seemed to shift as the ritual continued; once complete, a throne of glass waves stood before us, with a basin on a pedestal. The Emissary scooped out the ball bobbing in the bowl and explained there was a second manse below, which he'd created in a set of ancient ruins, and that was the relay manse to match the one he'd created earlier.

We took a portal to Gruncle's garden: stepping through felt a lot like walking through the Deep Wyld.

I peppered the Emissary with questions, of course. Manses are created during Calibration and are best given years of planning. There are many ways to use a manse that have been lost since the First Age - to learn more about that, I'd need to Meru herself, but the great city is no longer on top of the Imperial Mountain. He'd looked and found nothing but the ruins of hovels, long picked clean: no signs of the glory of the city.

There were feasts every night for the next four nights. The other guests continued to be uninterested in interacting with us, but the food and drink were phenomenal. The mirrored twins wore increasingly elaborate outfits: black fabric that flowed like water; a strange, metallic or stone-like material in white and silver; greens in a leafy, flowery, viney pattern; and finally, flickering, fiery reds.

We helped build manses again the second day, again in very remote spots: a section of a tropical island gave a multi-tiered tree; a four-armed statue of the Unconquered Sun, facing the Realm, above a small bay, where a rock formation created a natural wind tunnel that enhanced the sound of the crashing waves; an abandoned mine in the side of an equally abandoned quarry became a steel disc inscribed with runes supporting a throne and pedestal on a small island not far from a Shadowland (which had grown a lot since his last visit, 200 years perviously). On some of these, I saw statues as we left: the golems settling to take the exact appearance of those statues outside Nexus, with the Emissary's features.

The Emissary didn't take us if he did anymore on later days, but Mum took me to a manse in the north of the Realm to attune the hearthstone in her bracers.

It was good to spend time with our family, because we'd made up our minds what to tell Rose Black: the Bull of the North was a real threat, one even I appreciated we couldn't take on yet, but we would need to one day, so we might was well take the opportunity to learn as much about him as possible with our own recon unit.

Exalted - The Death of Raven

This is the story of our Exalted game, told from the point of view of my character, Cathak Taji. Click here for the index.

~~~

Tiger reached the temple doors as they opened in a swirl of feathers. Raven stood there, muscular male torso bared, but a bird's head and a pair of huge black-feathered wings. Twirling a silver daiklave as though it were a twig, he leapt at Tiger and landed a blow. In response, Tiger's form shifted, becoming sleeker, leaner, faster. Raven flew up high, gathering essence to him - realising he was casting sorcery, Kito and Ray ran for cover, but I hadn't taken my eyes from him since he emerged and he was still just inside the range of my bow. I drew the string back far enough to hurt, pictured white mice and the symbol Kito had found, whispered a prayer, and loosed the arrow. It took all my courage, but I watched the arrow fly true. It glanced against the beast - not enough to distract him, but I hit him.

There was no immediate effect to Raven's casting. The 5 beastmen who'd made it into the temple now raced out, dressed for battle and armed with bows - which was when volcanic tentacles erupted from the ground, lashing at Ray, Tiger and Kito but ignoring me, still hidden in the forest. Tiger fought the tentacles, but Ray backed off and Kito ran into the temple. The remaining beastmen chased after him, so Ray followed.

The tentacles had flailed as individuals, but with only one target remaining I saw Raven focus on them, and those Tiger hadn't destroyed stilled then turned on my ally, one wrapping itself around him and the others then smashing into him. He looked awful; I knew I had to do something, for all I felt out of my depth. I braced myself against the trunk of the tree I stood in, and took careful aim at Raven once more. Again, I managed to hit! The tentacle dropped Tiger, but my relief lasted barely an exhale as Raven dove through the foliage to me. I dropped from my branch as his blade sliced through where I had been standing, turning a killing blow to a glancing one, compounded with bruising as I landed awkwardly. Raven returned to the sky as I tried to hide.

Curling up in the roots of a tree,I looked back up to see Tiger had transformed into a roc and Ray standing near the temple doors. Raven swooped at Tiger, who rose above, shifted back to human and drew his axe as he fell to land on Raven's back. Ray's lance flashed past, close but missing both. Tiger roared as he swung his axe - an impossible arc, he'd clearly missed... and yet somehow twisting to cut through Raven.

They fell, one of Raven's wings spiralling separately.

Kito emerged from the temple as I disentangled myself from the jungle. Ray left to retrieve the lance and Kito checked on Tiger, which left me to look to Raven. A young-looking man, fine-boned with a pointed, beak-like nose. I decapitated the body. Tiger left the head for us to take back as a gory trophy, gave the daiklave to Kito and burnt the rest of Raven. He would fix the damage Kito had attempted to inflict on the manse and claim it as his own. I looked around at this warm, tranquil spot and envied him, swore to myself I would have a manse at least as fine as this of my own, one day.

The journey back to the camp felt anti-climatic after that. We told Captain Riley that we'd found Raven and the beastmen dead when we reached the village, but he didn't believe us and blamed Ray's leadership for us disobeying his direct order not to get involved. Ray was angry, clear even through the faceless armour, stated we should be being rewarded for this, and insisted on taking a few days off. The armour cracked open then, and a tall woman stepped out, with long, blonde hair and vibrant green eyes. "And for the record, Riley, fuck you," she spat as she spun on her heel and left the room. We followed like lost sheep, and she sent us to rest, explaining she'd be visiting a village a few miles up river.

She's gone when we woke. We spent a couple of anxious weeks trying to keep our heads down and doing general camp tasks, and then she was back, with no further comment. Everything continued as if she'd never left, never sworn at Riley. We stayed with the camp for another year and half, earning a few promotions and continuing to serve under Ray. Once we reached the point where we'd been in the army for 2 years (making us about 17), Captain Riley sent us back to the Rose Black at High Castle.

#RPGaDay2018: Day 25 - Name a game that has had an impact on you in the last year

Exalted.

That was easy!

Guess I should expand a little on why I've chosen Exalted...

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll have seen my write-ups of the game. If you're interested, the index is here. Where I've written up to so far happen over a year ago, but hopefully you can see some of what I love about the game in what you've read.

It's intensely character driven, with our characters at the heart of it. The "destined hero" story can be pretty boring to me when I read it or see it in films, but in Exalted I'm loving it - partly because of the slow reveal of the extent of our importance and ancestry and so on, but mostly because I'm sharing the limelight with another player I relish playing alongside, with a pair of interesting, well-connected and well-rounded characters. Despite - hell, because of - our ancestry and destiny, the ally-PC's don't give us an easy time, although they will help us out. They also feel rounded and realistic, and we've built close bonds with several of them (I have suspicions on the motivations of some, which makes it even more interesting).

Some time after where I've written to so far, Taji and Kito do manage to Exalt, becoming Solars and learning more about their ancestry (which raises a lot more questions they aren't in an easy position to get an answer to). Kito has an emotional arc involving a young lady he falls for prior to Exaltation, which relationship he feels he has to end subsequently, due to knowing he has a Lunar mate out there somewhere, while Taji has to deal with confused feelings towards one NPC for similar reasons - and because attraction isn't something she knows how to deal with! They've met some very dangerous beings, both as potential foes and potential allies. They've been afraid for their lives and each other's, saved the lives of others, and made difficult decisions. They've learnt about themselves, grown up - grown apart and closer.

Having played the characters from the days before their 8th birthday to their early 20's, I feel very intensely about them and their fate beyond even what I normally feel for characters I've played for a while. I had this with Kella, too; I think it's the bond with the other characters and the story that means the game has such an impact on me. 

We took a break within the last 12 months to play Mage*, and the place we paused the game was so beautiful and so right, with the arm of her love around Taji's shoulder - and an ominous note promising more danger arriving in the morning.

 And you? What game's had an impact on you this year?

 

*We've just finished the first arc of Mage, which means we'll be playing some First Age Exalted for a bit (gotta claim the city of Sperimin) before returning to Aberrant (with a new player from the First Age Exalted game), and then we'll be returning to whatever Exalted age it is we play in normally which I'm really excited about! And we'll alternate between these games as we spiral them towards their various conclusions.

#RPGaDay2018: Day 13 - Describe how your play has evolved

When I first saw this question, my firstthought was "my play hasn't changed that much" - the first games I played in were immersive, ongoing campaigns where I was complimented for my commitment to the world and the layers I brought to the character. I love acting and storytelling, but am not very good at taking on a character written by someone else or at editing a story by myself, so roleplay suits me.

There have been changes: uni was the peak of my roleplay experience in terms of number of games: as well as long term campaigns, I played in one-off games and short campaigns, and had the time, energy and opportunity to be playing in multiple sessions a week. It was amazing and I miss it. These days, I play weekly most of the time, alternating between 2 groups each alternating between a range of long term campaigns. It's pretty good, but inevitably sessions are cancelled from time to time as real life gets in the way, and when you're effectively playing that game fortnightly, it can feel a little sad (don't get me wrong: the biggest reason I'm not playing more frequently across a week is that circus is going really well and I love that. I guess I wish I and my gaming buddies had longer weekends).

Other changes have been the amount of notes I take - I used to take very few, able to rely on my memory with pretty good accuracy. As I've got older (and the fibro fog more persistent) this hasn't been possible, and I've needed to take notes. I used to be in awe of the players who could detailed notes while still fully engaged in the game: now I am that player: that's where most of the detail for my game write-ups posted here comes from. Blogging the games is new too, and something I really enjoy (even if it takes me a while to get started).

The biggest way my play has evolved is in the type of characters I play. While I've always played occasionally outside it, especially when I was at uni I settled into a comfortable habit of playing kind characters, often healers, who wear their innocence like a kind of mental shield and are generally insatiably curious. Kella of the Final Fantasy-inspired game, Kirri from the uni LARP ('Aberddu Adventures'), Plays from Werewolf, Svetlana from Pathfinder and most recently Ragna from Mage are key examples of this archetype. Compassion over conviction, to look at it from an Exalted point of view (although Kella, at least, had very strong conviction). They're young - generally late-teens, certainly not more than human-equivalent early 20's - they're kind, they often have a little magic and a slight trickster side them (Plays was technically a Theurge, but we decided it must have been a very thin crescent to explain her Ragabash tendencies), but their biggest feature is that child-like nature. They can all, with varying degrees of success, be mature and serious, but they at least come across as very innocent. It's a true part of their nature, but for Kella and Svetlana in particular it is more of a shield than the extent of them, and Ragna's learning to apply the same. For Plays and Kirri, they didn't have as strong a mature side and were dominated by their innocence.

I deliberately moved away from this with Chrissie, as mentioned the other day on "how gaming has changed you", and worked to play someone firmer, someone who doesn't pry (however innocently) into the lives of others; someone who's a clear leader. That flowed into Taji - she regained a lot of the curiosity (what can I say? I enjoy playing curious characters. It's a good way to explore the game world), but lost some of the kindness (I'm hoping to start building it into her; the game's at a point where I think she has enough people around her who matter enough to her who are kind and compassionate to justify it), and is definitely not innocent (well, until it comes to love and sex, at least). I'm enjoying playing these characters, and have found I enjoy playing that maturity more frequently more than I expected. It's given me more confidence to explore different character traits, though I also draw from experience of characters that didn't work so well, or characters that I haven't enjoyed playing alongside: I will always, now, try to play a character who can be a good team player (though not necessarily making that their defining feature, anymore), but I'm also quite happy to take the lead. I enjoy mothering other characters - I can see this being my next progression!

What about you? Don't forget to add a link to your response below.

Exalted - Hunting Beastmen pt 2

This is the story of our Exalted game, told from the point of view of my character, Cathak Taji. Click here for the index.

~~~

The next evening, Raging Tiger sent us after a party of beastmen to see what we could do - he'd be nearby in case we got into trouble. There were about 20 of them with a wolf-like appearance, settling at a campfire, cooking meat and squabbling over scraps. Something about them seemed to disappoint Raging Tiger.

Kito and I quickly planned our attack. I don't think either Rey or Tiger expected us to open with a flurry of Obsidian Butterflies through their tents, and a Blazing Raptor straight into their campfire. The beastmen certainly didn't, but none tried to flee and Kito stepped in front of me to take the blows as they charged.

The fight was fierce and bloody; we were victorious, but Kito was severely hurt. Raging Tiger carried him away with Rey in support, telling me it wouldn't be safe to follow. Unnerved but trusting them, I explored the camp, finding a few furs but no clues as to where the beastmen had come from or where they were heading. When the others returned, Kito was healed. Completely healed, no scars remained anywhere, not even the ones he'd picked up as a child. Weirder, his hair and skin had gone white, his eyes blue, paler than anyone from the North.

We continued on, a strange group. Time started to blur. We'd run into the occasional small band of beastmen, all easily dealt with.

After 2, maybe 3 weeks, Kito got Raging Tiger to tell us a bit more about the Children of Luna and the rules the existance of the beastmen breach. Luna doesn't have a strict code, but chooses those who've survived hardship, telling them they're chosen and now her warrior, and there's a duty of stewardship over the land that comes with this. It was this stewardship our quarry had breached: they were lording it over their creations and using them to encroach Raging Ti2ger's territory. We worried again about the military camp where we were based, but he reassured us he didn't mind as long as we didn't overhunt the area. He valued self-sufficiency and wouldn't be a hero, not wanting the people he'd helped to fall back into the same danger once he'd moved on. The way he said it, it sounded like there was a story there, but when we asked more, he gave us the same line we'd heard many time from the Emissary so many times: "another time, perhaps". He repeated that when we tried to ask about how he got chosen by Luna, then told us to sleep. We'd reached the mountains we'd need to climb to reach to the valley where we'd find the other Lunar.

It was a hard climb, steep with few handholds. The first rest point was about 100m up; just as I was pulling myself onto the ledge, there was a terrible rumbling, clamourous clanging from below me. Ray and Raging Tiger were already on the ledge: my eyes widened to realise it was Kito who'd fallen, and I screamed the kind of scream that froze my entire body. Raging Tiger swooped into a giant bird to carry him to us: we couldn't get into his armour, which meant we couldn't see how hurt he was, but at least meant he was alive. Tiger strapped him to his back as we continued; he was just about conscious by the time we made camp, and halfway through the next night's travel he was fine.

And eventually we looked out over the valley. It was beautiful, utterly idyllic, and without Tiger we'd never have found it. A small town of old buildings surrounded a stepped pyramid being reclaimed by the local vegetation, more akin to a jungle than a tundra. There was no snow, either, and the climate was warm and humid. We guessed the place to be at least 2,000 years old: it was clearly First Age, so possibly even older. Armed beastmen and unarmed people walked the streets. Tiger explained the pyramid at the heart was likely a powerful manse, judging by the effect. At Kito's question, he said it was likely the hearthstone was with the rogue Lunar, assuming there was a stone. At our surprised expressions, he explained not all manses have stones; some are built to a specific purpose instead.

We observed the town for a while. The normal people seemed to act as a serving class. Of the 60 or so beastmen, not all were combatants. One stood out from the rest, a pure bipedal snow leopard, of which the others were cruder, more human-looking simulcrams. This individual was smaller and compact than Raging Tiger's first appearance and carried a longsword. Concern passed over the face of our new friend: this wasn't our quarry, who's Aspect was Raven, but one of their followers. He was confident he could take on Raven, but not so sure about Leopard. As nervous as this made him, it worried us more. He suggested we - Rey, Kito and I - shoot at the beastmen and keep them occupied while he fought the Lunar. Shoot and move on, he reiterated. Kito and I cast Invulnerable Skin of Bronze, and we were ready.

The Leopard leapt to intercept Tiger as he walked brazenly into the town, yanking a di-klave from its arm. Slightly more than half the beastmen followed into the fight, so Rey joined Tiger while Kito and I ranged the jungle the other side of the river, shooting into the remainder until we had their attention. I stayed in the trees, shooting and moving to make it harder for them to pinpoint me, but one small group reached Kito and he had to switch to his blades - Rey joined him as more hurtled toward the melee. 

I saw 4 of the beastmen creeping into a hut and thought they were hiding from the fight until I saw them leave again with a cart-sized ballista! I took aim as they set it up, but they fired before I loosed. A ball of glowing blue energy expanded... exploded... killed them all! I swung my bow, seeking a new target.

Shoot and move. Shoot and move.

A group made a break for the temple, the pyramid. I killed one, but the other 5 ran inside. I looked around: only 3 remained. One threw a javelin at Kito - I shot it, and hid again. A glance showed me it was still standing, so I fired again as I wormed my way into a spot with vantage on the temple. This shot went through his side and embedded on a wall beyond, dripping heart's blood as he slumped to the floor. As I turned my attention back to the temple, I saw Kito running across the rooftops and fall into a building - before I could leave my hiding place, he'd recovered and continued on his path. I continued to mark the temple doors. 

Raging Tiger continued a blur against the Leopard while the last beastmen fell to Kito's swirling blades. It was then we noticed the humans milling around, armed with scythes, pitchforks and other utensils. Only one held a shortsword, and awkwardly at that. Kito investigated the ballista while Ray defeated the farmers. I kept my bow trained on the temple doors, waiting for the beastmen to come out with whatever threat they had in mind, but the corner of my eye saw the other, the Leopard, heading towards it, and Tiger's aura flaring as he spent Essence in response: a silver light building until it exploded out in a blinding flash, revealing a join-the-dots tiger roaring behind. The Leopard's blade span away as she fell in half.

The temple doors swung open. I saw fleeting black movement within and feathers falling out, and Tiger was there.

Exalted - Hunting Beastmen pt 1

This is the story of our Exalted game, told from the point of view of my character, Cathak Taji. Click here for the index.

(The spelling of several names keeps changing. I know the official rule is to pick a spelling and stick with it, but typing from notes where I'm horribly inconsistent makes that harder. I think Riley as spelt in the previous session should have been Reilly really so I've tried to correct throughout, and Rey/Ray is kinda deliberate: the character is always hidden by their power armour, making them unknowable.)

~~~

It was weeks before Kito was better, so I worked like a good soldier as long as they let me see him. A lot of my tasks were scouting missions to learn more about the beastmen: there were far more than anyone had realised. Rey and I returned one evening from a scouting mission where we'd found and killed a hunting party of 4 of the beasts to find Kito had finally been released. He was sound asleep in his bunk; as much as I wanted to, I didn't disturb him, but instead curled up in my own bed. He was awake before me in the morning, and explained he, Rey and I were to be sent on a mission to the north-east, where the beastmen were coming from, and would be out for several months. Captain Reilly filled us in: a recon/scouting mission, with the most urgent thing that we were not to be followed. If we even thought we were being followed, we were not to come back - especially if it was an Anathema. The suits should last as long as they didn't get damaged (we were only authorised to attempt minor repairs), and we'd have rations for 2 weeks: we'd need to hunt and forage. He finished by advising we travelled at night.

The first week, we saw signs of beastmen but nothing definitive - dead end tracks, signs of historic hunts, that kind of thing. The thick snow made our progress slow, and Kito and I found the armour uncomfortable to sleep in (though both reluctant to spend frequent nights out of it). The entire trip, we never Rey except fully-suited.

Maybe 10 days into our mission, Kito found the carnage of a fight - blood and torn tufts of hair (or fur) and a large gash mark in a tree that Rey identified as having been made with a large battleaxe. Piles of snow dislodged from trees had been replaced in the branches. I sketched the scene as Rey reported in to Captain Reilly, saying it looked like 3 beastmen had been killed. The Captain wanted us to stay in this area for a few days to investigate further, see if we could find out what happened.

A little further north, we found a similar site, with one tree fallen and another split lengthways down the middle. The work of the axe was also visible on a cleft rock, beastman remains still embedded. Fired arrows scattered the scene, and I found a sharp, curved dagger with runic carvings I didn't recognise, an elegant yet purposeful piece. I slid it into my pack, figuring I'd find a use for it. Ray spoke then, saying one assailant against 15 beastmen. I saw Kito's eyes flash blue with the sorceror's sight charm, and he said all the blood came from the beastmen, that they'd used the fallen tree as a weapon against the other and still hadn't been able to hurt it. From everything we'd seen between the two sites, we surmised the other was moving in a similar direction to us, and we might be gaining on them. None of us said it, but I think we were all thinking the same thing: Anathema. I wondered what that meant to Ray, assuming the same it meant to most of the Realm.

The third site had been a much bigger battle - Kito guessed 20 to 50, and the more experienced Ray stated 36 had died. It looked like the beastmen were hunting the Anathema, and we were definitely catching up: this site was only about 12 hours old. The sow was scuffed and red with blood and gore, and beastmen bodies torn apart. So much violence... Riley wanted us to continue, but warned us not to engage.

The next day, I spotted massive footprints in the snow, picked out in the evening light. Ray knelt down and studied them, pointing out the sharpness of the prints meant they couldn't be more than a couple of hours old. We hadn't followed them much further before we heard shouting in the distance, and the sound of a tree falling. Kito and I glanced at each other - I saw his eyes flash blue at the same time as mine as we both activated All Encompassing Sorceror's Sight. We crept forward to see a giant in a recently created clearing, surrounded by beastmen. He was definitely Anathema, not just by his height, but also that he was covered in fur and had the head of a snow tiger - or maybe less a man than a snow tiger on its hind legs, wearing straps of armour and swinging an axe taller than Kito or I. The gleam of the axe told me it was moonsilver. My mind raced to recall what I'd been taught of Anathema that may help us now: he seemed to be one of the "frenzied", those that go mad in the moonlight and drank blood fresh from their victim's hearts.

The battle was over too fast for us to see how many beastmen were slain. The tiger-man shrank down to be just a man; the axe shrank with him, to a little shorter than me. He was tall, still, and very muscular, but otherwise wouldn't have stood out - except, you know, for the gore he knelt in to stare at the moon. He wore worn travelling clothes and had slick, black hair with white streaks. We held our breath until he stood once more, and vanished the axe from his hand, and called us over.

Up close, I saw his irises had a reddish tint as though they reflected too much light, while his pupil's reflected none, not even the shine over the eye of a normal person. He asked whether we were the Wild Hunt, accepting it without argument when we said not and saying we could call him Raging Tiger. He explained he was also investigating why there were so many beastmen. His kind manner and friendly attitude soon had him subject to a barrage of questions from me and Kito. He was from an area to the south-west of here, a little north of the camp - which he knew about, and tolerated as long as he left his people alone. His people, in this case, were local tribes under his protection - from the Wyld, from less friendly Anathema, from beastmen. His description of beastmen as "not allowed" intrigued us, and he explained they were a creation, a cross of Nightfang and human. Nightfang?, we wanted to know: a name for what he is. Also Luna's Warriors or the Full Moon. He knew who was creating the beastmen and was pissed off - that they were doing it, and that they were doing it in our presence. At more of our questions, he said he assumed the other Anathema was male, but didn't really know, and demonstrated what he meant by shifting into a woman's form before our eyes. It gave us the final bit of courage we needed to ask about him being a tiger, and he explained he was stronger, faster in that form, and that's what made people afraid.

He considered us an enigma, surprised at our ability to channel essence despite being mortal - even more surprised when he realised we could see with sorceror's sight. That was the first time we heard it was unusual, but we were learning so much we didn't think anything more then. Raging Tiger looked over to Ray, and told us he wasn't Dragon-blooded as we'd assumed, but didn't look Celestial (like the Emissary, and Raging Tiger) - probably a Celestial half-breed. We worried he meant something like the beastmen, so he clarified that they were created from mortals, whereas Ray would have been a natural conception between a human and sufficiently powerful Anathema - neither he nor Ray knew what type of Anathema.

We went back to the topic of the Wild Hunt then. Kito and I only knew the name; he explained they hunt Anathema, and that Anathema - Celestials - are chosen by real gods, dismissing the Dragons with a sniff. He told us our boss has a dangerous reputation - dangerous as in Wild Hunt. It wasn't Mygus he described, but Reilly. I guess it was the questions we'd asked and the concern that then flickered across our faces that led him to realise it, but he knew, then, that we'd been chosen to be Anathema, and we already knew it. He said it's very unusual for us to be marked already: that doesn't happen, then explained there's 300 Lawgivers (like the Emissary), and 300 Luna's Warriors, and it's one in, one out. Only, for some reason, Lawgivers at least aren't being replaced...

It was impossible to judge Ray's reaction to all this through the suit.

We set up camp and trusted Raging Tiger to keep watch as we slept for the day.

Meet My Character - Dawn's Dancing Butterfly, Cathak Taji

First, a quick apology for how quite I've been of late! Still settling into the new place, have been extremely tired, and then Husbit accidentally poured orange juice on my laptop which seems to have killed it, which has all combined to slow down my post rate (I'm currently borrowing his tablet, which has its own little keyboard and isn't bad, but is smaller than I like to use for this).

Today's post is in response to a challenge Mark Knights of RPG Knights put up in the G+ Tabletop Roleplaying Games community, asking us to write a short piece about one of our favourite characters. I thought I'd talk about my Exalted character, Taji.

Where to start with Cathak Taji? She's the youngest of 6 children (7, with the half-brother she's recently learnt about), and lived as a peasant in rural Creation until the night before her 8th birthday, when her home was destroyed and she and her twin brother, Cathak Kito, escaped and fled to Thorns. From there, they discovered they were actually the youngest descendants of the head of House Cathak, and spent the next several years raised as young Dynasts. Instead of becoming good little Dragonbloods, though, they became Solar Exalts, Kito Dawn caste and Taji Eclipse. If you want to learn more about their adventures, check out the story index.

The characters I normally enjoy playing are compassionate and gregarious. With Taji, I wanted to challenge myself so wrote someone who is only averagely compassionate, who isn't afraid to take charge (something that I find frightening), and who can talk her way out of (or into) most situations (something I find hard in games, because I mentally freeze). Playing with a sympathetic group means I've grown in confidence and started to overcome those difficulties. I find her lower compassionate difficult at times, but her confidence makes her an absolute joy to play. I particularly enjoy those moments when something knocks that confidence - experiencing her struggle to come to terms with it and the rebuild to extreme cockiness is engaging. I love a bit of emotional bleed!

I think part of why I enjoy playing her so much is that I have played her from the days leading up to her 8th birthday to where she is now, in her early 20's. That was a lot of time to get into the head of the character, and really see how she became who she is. I know it isn't for everyone, but I (and I think Kito's player) have got a real kick out of it.

I love the contrast between her and her brother. Kito sees the best in others, but is a much tougher fighter. Taji is more cynical (her ability to manipulate people means she's inclinded to believe everyone's at it), but she has utter faith in her indestructibility, which often leads to Kito nearly getting killed - because her faith comes from the fact that her brother has always stepped in to save her. She doesn't realise the danger she puts herself in and doesn't notice how much he does for her. She's quite selfish, really. They've surrounded themselves with powerful friends, and Kito's recently realised that some of them, at least, are using the twins for their own purposes. Taji was shocked he didn't already know this; in her mind she's using them right back, and believes she isn't beyond discarding friendships that no longer benefit her (I think she'll find she's wrong about that).

And this is it. Because Taji is so different to the characters I normally love to play, and so far from my ideal image of myself, I don't mind when things don't go her way, and can enjoy the process of her learning from that. I hope to take that experience with me when I go back to other beloved characters where I take it more personally.