Monday Update

Health Update

Has been a hectic year already. I feel like I can't get well at the moment, but I realised that my asthma is utterly out of control. It might sound stupid that I didn't realise sooner, but I've had several colds - I have a four year old, so that's expected - and I'm still dealing with grief and a broken finger and my mental health is shaky.

The finger is healing. I only need to wear the splint for risky activities, so aerial, when I'm sleeping (because I fidgit a lot) and when I'm playing with my little one (because it's hard for him to be sufficiently careful). It still hurts in the joint nearest the break, and there's always going to be a deformity there, which is a bit annoying but shouldn't affect function so I don't mind.

The big issue is how bad my asthma is, and I feel like if I can get it back under control then I might be able to make better progress in other areas. There's a lot going on in my brain and body, and the asthma is potentially an easy win.

 

Writing Update

I wanted to get a story in to Cloaked Press's sidekick themed summer collection, but the deadline is this week and with everything else going on I don't think I'm going to get there in time. I feel like I'm a week behind in my brain. A group of friends and I are working on a collection of post-apocalyptic short stories that will be published via Amazon. I'm hoping to get at least 2 stories in that, both of which have been rattling around my brain for a long time.

 

Roleplay Update

No games to report on; Hunter is an ad hoc arrangement, and Exalted hasn't been on for the last couple of weeks because I've been so ill and my GM had a conference. We are at a super exciting place in Exalted, though! We were tasked with finding out more about Death Knights, and in the process one of our NPC Solar friends and Taji's Lunar mate have been taken. We have a plan to get them back, and I really hope it's successful! There was some talk Taji might have been taken instead (and it could still happen), which could end up with a story arc where she becomes a Death Knight and we work on her redemption. I am happy whether we go down that route or stick with the main path that we were facing, but I have some anxiety at the idea of her mater being a bad guy - I'll need to get reassurance from my GM that we will be able to redeem him before I am comfortable with that path. I like that I am in a group where I have the confidence to ask for accommodations like that.

A quick life update

I've got a date for Hunter character gen! Very excited: 2 weeks. I'll give more detail after. Am also really nervous, because it's new to me to be the one in charge...

Broke my finger. It hurts. Got caught in the fabric when I was doing a drop, and I didn't realise until it was too late. First confirmed broken bone of my life (hairline fracture on my ribs, and possible broken toe first week of uni, but this was far worse and impossible to ignore). During x-ray, I said "it hurts!" and the radiologist went "I can see why!" and with that acknowledgement that there was something real, the pain faded to a much more tolerable level. Physio tomorrow: as an aerialist and being hypermobile, it was really stressed to me that I must attend even if I feel ok.

I usually manage my fibro pain through exercise, so I'm not feeling great at the moment. I'm doing what I feel I can, but it's so much less than normal. I can just about straddle to the hoop on one arm, though, which took me by surprise.

Getting support to do the ADHD forms tomorrow. The more I've looked into it, the more I've realised it's the missing bit, part of the reason I could hide being autistic so well. It's helping me find ways to manage myself better, to be accepting and forgiving, which leads to less time spent feeling like a failure and more time spent trying. 

I'm still tied in knots of grief, and that's ok.

I'm still writing.

I'm still here.

Ru Rainbow

My Granny died on New Year's Eve. I have so much I want to say, but right now the grief is too huge so all I can manage is a photo.

Aerial and life update

The strongest image I have of myself at the moment is a phoenix egg. I burnt down to ashes, and now I'm working on my rebirth. Eggs and hatchlings are extremely vulnerable, and I'm trying to protect myself to ensure my rebirth is successful and my next phoenix-stage thrives. I'm doing what I can, and the rest relies on external factors.

Hello, my name is Fern, and I'm surviving.

Life is hard for nearly everyone at the moment. If you're struggling, you're not alone. I see you. I care.

Aerial is one of the ways I'm looking after myself. I preferred hoop (lyra) when I started circus, but during lockdown, when I spent so much time playing in fabric because I was limited to what I had at home (I have borrowed a hoop, but its heavy and the toddler - who has recently informed me he wants to be known as Zigzag rather than Ziggy when I talk about him online - prefers the hammock), something in me clicked with the fabric, and now I love both equally. When things opened up more and I started teaching again, I'm not teaching far more silks than hoop, and I'm loving it.

Have some photos. Here is proof I have potential to be ok. 

 

Look after yourself. Look after your tribe. Be safe, keep going.

I Miss My Mum

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment. I had to leave care even though I enjoyed it: I was so stressed that my eyebrows fell out. Several times. And one of them looks like a normal eyebrow (but not the bushy eyebrow had before), and the other is slowly returning.

Diagnosis: stress-induced localised alopecia.  Eyebrows, head hair (I lost a third of it last time we moved house and a third of it there), leg hair.

I gave myself a fringe.

I'm waiting for formal diagnosis of autism. I'm on the second waiting list: the first waiting list was 6 months long and getting that interview confirmed I am autistic and gave me a place on the longer waiting list for formal diagnosis. It's something we've considered since I was in my teens, and dismissed, and come back to, and the care job put me in a place where I needed the diagnosis.

Since then, I've realised the trauma of birth and having a child in the house, no matter how much I adore him (which is more than the world), has had a huge impact on me and my ability to cope with the world and society.

Aerial circus is a lifesaver and my current main job.

I haven't written here because I barely know who I am. I am trying to get support and therapy, so I will get there, I'm just lost at the moment. 

I've always been scared of being self employed or trying to make it as a writer, but right at the moment trying to do anything else (except parent and teach circus) has become even more frightening, so you know what, I'm going to try. I submitted a short story a few weeks ago: not submitting it had become more terrifying than trying.

Covid has made the world a liminal place. We're teetering on the edge of societal shifts, and it's exciting and terrifying and interesting and I don't know where it will land - and I feel like this is paralleled in me.

My Mum died when I was little. Have I talked about this before? I background miss her always, but right now that feeling is stronger.

Here I am. Here I am trying. I disagree with Yoda: there is try: try is the step between not doing and doing. If you don't believe in try, you will never escape not doing; you will never do.

I intend to do.

Still here!

Hello everyone!

I'm hoping to get some geeky posts going soon. Started writing up a bit more Mage, at least. Finding it hard because pretty much the only time I get to write is after Ziggy's gone to bed, and I'm so tired then! But I have to do e-learning for my new job, with several courses before I start on Monday (eep!), so he's having to learn to leave me to work when I'm on the laptop, and that I'll play with him again soon after. If we can get that embedded, I'm hoping to be able to do a bit more writing again - the stories I was working on in the background have also all fallen by the wayside and I'd love to get back to them, and I hate how much I've neglected this place.

Are there any topics anyone would be especially interested in a post on? Can't promise anything, especially anything soon, but it woud be good motivation for me.

My dad has bought himself a (steampunk) plague doctor mask... I'm not sure how that'll go down in the village where he lives, though it does attract retiring artists so hopefully they won't be too shocked...

 
Otherwise, we continue well here. Tired, sometimes bored, and desperately missing having visitors, but well. A very kind friend bought me a copy of Tabletop Simulator so I'll be able to join Husbit when they get together for Saturday night board games. Discord is proving an adequate host for Mage. (I've set up a Discord server for this blog, while I was trying to get my head round Discord. It isn't worth looking at yet, but if I get the time I'll make it shiny enough I'm comfortable offering a link.) I have my rig for when the weather's nice (Ziggy loves it as much as I do). 

I'm still anxious about a lot of things (family, friends and finances in particular), but I'm mostly feeling calm, peaceful and hopeful. It makes a nice change!

Hope you're all well. Let me know your topic suggestions.

Stay safe; stay sane; look after yourselves!

Life and Plague and Stuff

Oh dear, how did it get so long between posts?

Oh yeah, I have a baby... or more accurately now, a toddler.

I also went back to full time work, had a bit of a breakdown, and am now trying to job hunt in other, less mentally taxing career fields. Which, with the whole covid virus thing, isn't that easy - though I might be able to work part time in a nearby care home, which I think would suit me, and the hours are much better than where I was. Shame it's so badly paid.

Basically, I was a software developer for a big company, who sold my department overseas. Not fancying a commute to Jo'burg, I came back off maternity straight into redundancy. Managed to find a new job straightaway, but unfortunately using the languages I like the least and doing web development, which I just don't find very interesting. The company had a very set way of doing things, so every time I completed a task, it would be reviewed and I'd be told I'd done it wrong, with no support on how to do it right the first way ("oh, just look at what's already there. Yeah, don't look at that bit, it's legacy." "Well which bit should I look at?" "Oh, figure it out.") The hours meant I barely saw Ziggy, and he became so distressed every time I left him that my heart was breaking - and he doesn't sleep through the night, so with the high level thinking I was exhausted. I'd stand in the kitchen crying before I had to leave, but it wasn't until a few weeks after I'd finished that I realised how ill I'd become. I'm on anti-anxiety meds, and have a panic attack whenever I try and code, even for fun. It's frustrating, because I used to truly love coding, and I think if I'd been able to go back to my old job it would have been fine (flexi-time and I was confident in what I was doing).

Message from Ziggy:   \ \bjnbbbbbbxxzgh\\ nnnnnnnnnnnv       j. 

And resuming. The saddest news is that Kitty died. She reached a point where we knew she had to be put down, but it was still the hardest decision we've ever made and really shook us both up. The vet was fantastic, very gentle with her and with us. He'd nursed her through the end few months and was fighting back tears himself.

I have a huge, feline shaped hole in my life and really want another rescue cat, but Husbit's not quite ready, and we'll need to be patient to get the right cat (friendly, short haired, ideally one I'm not allergic to, and most importantly one who's happy with small children). Ziggy loves all the neighbourhood cats, so he'll be thrilled but we'll have to make sure he's respectful. He is usually good with cats, at least - desperate to pet them but fairly gentle and I've only once had to stop him chasing one who'd walked away.

This is Biscuit, who haunts the local park and loves to play with the children.

We're currently covid free here. There's a few confirmed and more suspected cases in my general area, but only one of my friends has even a suspected case. We've had to close circus for now, which made me really sad - but on the plus side, I've got some of the equipment in my hall waiting for the owner to come by and collect so we'll still be able to play on the new rig she's ordered. In small, symptom-free groups, and assuming the advice doesn't get even stricter... (And if it does, I might be able to borrow a rig for my own garden...)

Like most people I've spoken to, I'm less worried about actually catching the virus (despite my asthma) than the economic impact of it. I am concerned about a few older friends and family members, and I'd be terrified if it was having a big impact on small children, but as it stands I'm fairly calm. The panic buying is frustrating, though: rice is about the only thing Ziggy will consistently eat, so we get through a lot and currently can't replenish our stash. The most annoying bit is hearing from friends who work in depots that there are no actual shortages: the problems are logistic in that people are buying too fast. If everyone slowed down, it would be fine, but instead we're in this stupid spiral.

Pathfinder is on hiatus, though this is partly down to a house move on the part of one player. We're finishing up the 'interlude' section where I play Jvala, and I'm very exciting at the thought of getting back to my beloved Svetlana. We will shortly be attempting our first remote Mage game via Discord - a medium I never got my head round, so this should be interesting. Wish me luck!

Best wishes and stay safe everyone!