Rambles

It feels strange to write here, like I have to pretend I'm not in mourning when I am, or like I have to pretend I'm so deep in mourning that nothing else exists.

And neither's true. Both are true. It's never as simple as black and white; when we think that way, we don't just miss the shades of grey, but a full spectrum of colour.

Going through this bereavement with an understanding that I am autistic and have ADHD helps me understand a lot more about how I have handled (and not handled) grief in the past. It's still a tangled mess in my head; I might find the words one day but at the moment I'm still getting the sense and shape of it.

And this isn't where I wanted to go with my writing here today.

I've been rediscovering my tactile creative side: Ziggy (who now prefers Zigzag as a nickname. He says Zigzag is his Blood Bowl name, and his real name has been relegated to his "other name") let me play with his air-dry clay and I can see that becoming a real hyperfixation if I let it. It was pleasurable to mold the clay, and the ways it shaped surprised me. Waiting for our projects to dry so we can decorate them.

The anthology I'm published in is out in paperback here. I don't get royalties or commission or anything, but I am excited to share it.

What did I want to talk about today? I want to share my joy in the Exalted I'm playing in. I'm back in Second Age Exalted as envisiged by Rich, playing Taji alongside Bells as her twin brother, Kito. I love the relationship between the twins - I really enjoy having a close relationship with another PC. And there's wonderful relationships with the NPC's too, and they are different for each twin. Kito is terrified of Taji's lunar mate, for instance, yet Taji is utterly and deeply in love with him. She knows he's dangerous, but sees him as guardian rather than threat. Then there's the Emissary, a character from the meta but taken into his own by our GM, a friend and mentor - even a father figure - for the twins, supporting them individually as well as guiding them together. I really enjoy the depth of character Rich has created for each of the major NPC's, whether entirely his creation, or inspired by characters named in the book. The love, the fear, the laughter. It's an important part of TTRPG campaigns for me: it's the relationships that keep bringing me back.

I want to offer that to my Hunter group, help them build the bonds between the PC's and give them friendships, meaningful relationships outside as well. I want to give them the ties to make them fight harder...

I'm not sure how to do this, and I won't know what I need to learn until I've tried.

First session hopefully in Feb. Got to confirm and finalise a date.

Wish me luck!

#RPGaDay2019: Days 12-18

Monday 12th - "Friendship"

Friendships are vital for good gaming, and I've made loads of new friends that way too, and I've talked on that theme before so I'm going to talk about in character friendships instead, because those are also fantastic.

The big ones have been (more or less in chronological order): Kamaya with NPC's Drazen and Tark; Kella with PC's Kyann, Rax, and especially Reisha; Plays in Shadows and the other PC's making up her pack; Svetlana and the NPC's I created for her backstory; Chrissie and Adam; Taji and Kito, and Taji and an NPC you'll be meeting very soon in the Exalted storyline. 

We're currently playing Aberrant so I think the friendship between Chrissie and Adam is a good one to discuss! We've been joined by another player (one of those friends I've made through gaming) whose character, Morgan, is important to the team but, coming in later, isn't as close  to the other player characters as they are to each other. Chrissie and Adam's friendship is a little strained by the events leading up to and following Adam's incarceration but was forged in strong fires. They had almost polar opposite upbringings, have slightly different morals stemming from differences in their pre-nova lives, were forced together by circumstance (and Benedict...) and have done their best to save the world (or at least make it a better place) many times.

Tuesday 13th - "Mystery"
Running a mystery game is hard. You need to leave breadcrumbs that will seem way to obvious to you, yet your players either will completely misinterpret or won't pick up at all, then you have to figure out how to guide them out of the rabbit holes without making it too obvious, because if it takes too long or feels too hard, the players won't have fun. I've always wanted to play in a mystery campaign, but have no idea where to start to run one.

Back to Aberrant (and friendship). We're currently playing a mystery scenario. Chrissie had a friend in her backstory, Bill, who's recently been killed! Investigating, Chrissie found clues he'd left that only she could find, leading to the word "Protos". We've now spent several sessions trying to figure out what on earth is so important about "Protos" that Bill went to such effort to hide it in such a way only Chrissie could find it. We've definitely gone down several wrong paths and the GM has helped us out by rephrasing things or giving us new ways to find information. We've finally tracked down the people behind the word, but still don't know what it all means...

 Wednesday 14th - "Guide"
There's a real joy to be had in being a guide bringing new people to table top roleplay. My best experience in this role was at uni, where a friend of mine on my course and also in the roleplay society wanted to introduce some other friends of his to gaming. He ran Space Munchkin, and invited me along to show them what it was all about, and act as a cattalyst to keep things moving. I played a cat person wiht force powers and incontrollable curiosity - the other players were soon having their characters grab my tail to yank me away from any red button or hatch labelled "do not open". It was great fun to play someone that reckless, and it was great fun to see them enjoying something they'd never done before.

Thursday 15th - "Door"
I love welcoming new players to roleplay. I think it's a fantastic hobby that gives benefits in normal life. You hear about hobby gatekeepers, but I think it's important and wonderful to hold the door open to everyone who's interested.

Friday 16th - "Dream"
I start a new job in a few weeks, and I'm anxious about it because it'll mean less time with Ziggy. Less time for my hobbies, too, but missing Ziggy is my biggest anxiety. The dream, then, is to have a job that pays enough to meet our outgoings and lead a comfortable lifestyle but that also has minimal (and flexible) hours. This was, I believe, a promise of automation that we haven't seen (there's a rant I could go off on...).

I was chatting about it with my regular GM. If I won big enough on the lottery, I'd love to be able to pay my friends to play with me (and especially the GM, because I think they put the most work into a game). He, in turn, would set up an office and employ us all to help develop the game he's working on. With an ice cream machine and mandatory naps.

I kinda hope he does win the lottery!


Saturday 17th - "One"
I was really struggling with this prompt and asked Husbit's help. He suggested one on one sessions, mentioning the Deadlands one he ran at the Asylum, which was effectively 4 one on one sessions, rotating between the players. He did a really good job of bringing personal horror into it and amping up the dread. I think this is something easier to do one on one, as the GM can really focus on that one player, and the player isn't distracted by other players' responses.

My most recent one on one session was in Aberrant, where I'd missed a session so played through the time separately later. I feel like I got a lot more done in that one session than in the normal group, which again goes to the way players are like cats: easier individually, but a nightmare to herd.

Sunday 18th - "Plenty" 
The one thing I have plenty of for roleplay is dice! I've played diceless and there's other diceless systems that interest me, but I do love rolling great handfuls of dice.

#RPGaDay2019: Days 5-11

Monday 5th - "Space"

I'm going to borrow from Autocratik and talk about our gaming space. We had a decent-sized wooden table with benches rather than chairs that had a homemade 6' by 4' gaming table over the top, complete with static grass. It made a decent table through several flats, but when we moved to this house, the previous owners left their table - longer and with actual chairs. It's in the dining room, an extension of the kitchen (so very convenient for coffees). The previous owners originally wanted a conservatory, but found it too hot in the summer and cold in the winter, so made it into a permanent structure instead. In keeping with their intention, though, the room has large skylights and windows, so feels light and airy. We've got a couple of bookshelves in there, to store dice and books for current games (the other books are in the Kallax in the study), and the toy cars for Gaslands, which Husbit's got really into recently.

I prefer to play sitting on sofas and the floor, but I'm outnumbered in this group, and the space is good.

Tuesday 6th - "Ancient"

I love settings with ancient tech, no longer understood. I'd very much like to play Numenera one day, but my experience in this comes a little from the Final Fantasy-themed game I played in at uni and largely from the Exalted game where I play Taji. I really enjoy whenever we find something ancient and try to learn about it in that game - made a little easier by a certain NPC (or two... or three) who remember those days.

A good example was the recent Exalted post "Our First Command", where we found some old tech stolen from the tombs of ancient Solars (and where I rolled a triple botch and accidentally triggered a defective Thousand Forged Dragon, destroying all the evidence and some of the loot we'd found). The next post is one I'm really excited about, because it will introduce one of my favourite NPC's, and one of those who remembers the First Age when all this tech that seems so magical to Taji and Kito was considered as commonplace as a mobile phone today...

Wednesday 7th - "Familiar"

I like the idea of having a familiar, but have never played a character with one. Animal companions once or twice, but never yet a familiar. I'm torn between whether I'd want a cat, a kestrel (or similar raptor), or a crow (or other corvid) - or maybe a rat or a ferret or a snake or a spider... It's definitely on my list to do one day, in the right game (maybe this one). 

Thursday 8th - "Obscure"

The most obvious way to take this, to me, was to discuss an obscure game I've played, but I can't think of one, so instead I've gone to the verb meaning.

Generally, I dislike it when one player obscures the truth from others, but there's times it's great fun on both sides. I generally enjoy it more when it's some dark secret from the character's background but also when it's something coming from gameplay - as long as it isn't the character working against the others and as long as it comes out quickly. I get anxious with hidden secrets, even benign ones. Husbit loves them. His character Alexei in Pathfinder has a lot going on (though I swear half the time he and the GM are just passing notes that say "this is a secret note"). Another character in our other Pathfinder game has some secrets that are starting to come to light, but these were more character secrets than player secrets, and came from backstory.

I did once have great fun being the player with the secret, when Svetlana was sneaking around with the group's patron, the king of Brevoy. We resolved it quickly, but I finally understood why Husbit enjoys obscuring secrets so much.

Friday 9th - "Critical"
I'm sure I've said it before, but the thing I consider most critical to a good game is playing with people who want the same thing as you. In my case, that's lots of character-driven story so those people also need to be people I'm comfortable getting vulnerable with. It's part of why the Exalted game is so dear to me: there's a large world to explore, but the story is made by the way the player characters, Taji and Kito, interact  with each other and the vast stable of NPC's. I think the closeness of the twins helps - I also really enjoyed a Pathfinder one-off where we played mentor and mentee in a similarly close way - and the life the GM has breathed into the NPC's is the icing on the very yummy cake.

Saturday 10th - "Focus"
I feel like I'm being told off! I don't have AD(H)D but my brain often sprints off after the proverbial squirrel regardless. It therefore seems most apt to discuss the things that send us shooting off topic the fastest! I'm sure all groups have them, key words, phrases, or concepts that derail play until the rabbit hole is cleared. Ours include:

• certain in-jokes (Did it move? Classic Paul! Boats do a lot of damage...)
• ridiculous conspiracy theories (flat Earth gets a little attention, but our ire is reserved for anti-vaxxers. Flat Earth is just silly, the way they produce experiments and refuse to accept the results, but anti-vaxx isn't just dangerous for those involved, but also those around them, such as those Ziggy's age, or those with compromised immune systems, or those with allergies that mean they can't be vaccinated, or anyone else who relies on herd immunity)
• the ridiculousness of the US healthcare system. We live somewhere that (currently) has free healthcare and it seems crazy to us that a country with the economic success of the US doesn't offer the same. It particularly came up in our Mage game, when we got shot and had to work out if we could afford to go to hospital... We were so shocked by what we read that we keep coming back to it
• Books, films, TV shows that mirror things in game - or just that have got one of us hooked recently and we want to share our new obsession

Of course, it's Ziggy who most often derails things now! 

Sunday 11th - "Examine" 
This wasn't a game I was in, but one Husbit ran for our friends while I was away at uni. A Ravenloft game, with lots of gothic horror and personal tragedy. They'd finished a dungeon hack-style encounter and had emerged, blinking, into the sunshine. Husbit described the scene: the fields, the clear sky, the fields, their horses happily eating the grass and still tied to the tree, the kestrel sitting in the tree watching.

There followed an in character conversation that lasted around an hour debating what to do with this kestrel. Was it food?, a threat?, a spy?.. Husbit has told this story with two punchlines. The kestrel was due to be the ranger's animal companion... the kestrel was an incidental bit of scenery with no significance.

#RPGaDay2019 - Days 1-4

1st - "First"

My first gaming group were some of the staff from my local Games Workshop and their friends. I'm struggling to remember who was actually in the group: Andy, because he was GM; Tom, because from there he invited me to the Shadowrun game that was how I became completely hooked; their housemate Paul. I think there were others, but I can't remember except I was the only girl in the group and the last to join.

It felt a real honour to have been invited. We played ourselves in a game of Buffy set in our local area. We had a Watcher but no slayer (what with her being off in Sunnydale). We'd all ended up dragged into this supernatural world by dint of things we'd seen or experienced. Andy, as GM, occasionally played himself but was keen not to be dragged into the game properly so played himself as an obstacle: we had to keep things secret from those not involved, and that included him. We played in their living room; they lived round the corner from the local firestation and I can't remember if we ever managed it or only wanted to steal a fire engine and fill it with holy water to go on a rampage...

They were good guys who helped me through the worst of being a teenager.

2nd - "Unique"

There's certain themes my characters will nearly always have one or more of: child-like innocence, kindness, an affinity for fire, a preference for ranged weaponry. My Ravnos 'Mathilde' was an exception. She was cruel, a bully, a trickster - completely against my self-image or my desires, but still great fun to play (with the right group). Definitely unique amongst my characters - the nettle among the daisies.

3rd - "Engage"

The death of G+ has changed the way I engage with the international roleplay community, making it a lot harder to do. I'm really sad about that. The alternative social networks don't work for me, for different reasons, and I feel the loss of that community.

I'm staying in touch with the blogs I remembered to bookmark, and am hoping this blog is still enjoyed by those who can still find it.

4th - "Share"

Speaking of the blogs I remembered to bookmark, you can see them down the side! What did I miss? Let me know! :)

Birthing Debrief pt 2

As with the previous post, I appreciate this is something that isn't going to be of interest to those of you who read the blog purely for the geek stuff. I want to talk through the birth and days after to help sort it out in my mind and because it's a huge thing to me, and I want to talk about Ziggy endlessly because I'm overwhelmed by the wonder of him, but I also want to keep up writing about games and aerial and other things I love, because it's important to me to be a rounded person with interests beyond my child. I'll find a balance that works for me.

In the meantime, here's the cat pic warning for those of you not interested in birth and newborns, or who don't want to read about the things Husbit refers to as "human goo": the blood, faeces, urine, vomit, snot and dribble that comes from having a baby.

I stared at him. The trauma of the previous however long was tethered to me like helium balloons, and with each breath another string was snipped until the universe was him and me. I felt a swelling of love for Husbit, for my stepmum, my family, my friends. Everything and everyone that mattered to me mattered more. It was like he was an amplifier for the love in me.

They turned off the epidural as soon as he arrived, which meant no pain relief for the stitches. The antenatal class had warned me about this, saying that we'd be so absorbed in the baby that we wouldn't notice the pain. I was very absorbed in him, but it still really hurt (I remember that pain better than the pain of the birth itself, probably because it happened after I first saw him). While they were doing that, the trainee muttered about there not being any tearing (weird things to feel about), and the consultant saying this was unusual when there was - and I missed the next word, filling in "forceps" or "a large/stuck baby". Hours later, I learnt I'd haemorrhaged. A blood loss of 500ml or more is considered a haemorrhage. I lost 1300ml. I think I was lucky not to need a transfusion.

I'd agreed with the first midwife when we arrived that we'd do delayed cord clamping and that my stepmum would cut the cord, but she'd left by the time he arrived, and the doctors either didn't read her notes or didn't care and did all that before any of us knew. I'm a bit cross about not having delayed cord clamping.

I was exhausted and wanted peace and quiet to be with Ziggy. I wanted Husbit with me, but the bed was small and awkward with no space for him to curl with me, and I knew my stepmum's car was back at our house and I knew he was exhausted too and needed to rest and I knew I'd be ok with Ziggy (who had a real name now, a grown up name for such a young person) so when I heard him dithering around I sent him home to come back in the morning. I was still in this little bubble of love and it enveloped him even when he wasn't next to me.

Eventually, it was just me, Ziggy, and a midwife. She quietly scribbled notes, giving me some peace. Ziggy stayed on my chest for a few hours, which was lovely, covered in the blood and goo of birth, which wasn't. At some point, someone took him off me, cleaned him of the poo he'd smeared over both of us, and put him back on my chest in the same pile of meconium. I didn't bother to mention the next time he pooed and just enjoyed the weight of him instead. Midwives kept changing - I'm not sure how many we went through over the course of the night. Eventually, one took him and cleaned him up, dressed him and laid him in the bassinet beside me and we lay there staring at each other. I timed my breathing to his. Whenever one of us got hiccups, the other started soon after. I imagine we both dozed, but I don't really remember.

They left me filthy when they cleaned him. I'm pretty sure they turned off my oxitocin an hour early and took away my fluid drip before they should have, but I was pretty out of it when they were told when to take that away, so I may be wrong. The room was far too hot for me - they kept saying my faint feeling was the blood loss, but I knew it was the heat. One midwife listened to me. She turned the aircon on and I was fine (until the next came and turned it off again). She helped me stand so I could move to the chair for a change of scene, and said she'd be back shortly to help me have a shower. An hour, longer, passed and she didn't return, so I rang and another midwife appeared, said I couldn't have a shower because I couldn't stand up because I'd had an epidural (I could. It was hard because it was so hot in there and I'd lost all that blood, but I could stand and I could walk). The nice midwife eventually came back and apologised that she couldn't help me have a shower because she was too busy, now, but she did shortly after bring me a basin of water and some wipes, so I at least managed a strip wash, and she helped me put knickers on after.

Top tip: if you're ever helping someone with a catheter and stitches put on their knickers, put the catheter tube through the leg hole on the side the stitches aren't.

She did, at least, come back to remove the catheter pretty much to the minute of when it was able to be removed, for which I was very grateful.

Midwives would bring me tea and toast, then he would stir and I'd see to him so they'd go cold and midwives would take them away without letting me say that I'd rather have them cold than not at all... That didn't help my faintness either. 

One midwife, when I'd finally had enough and got as close to griping as I did all night, told me they were very busy and that "not everyone got to have a happy ending like you", which, y'know, probably not something she should have said to me. Definitely not something I wanted to hear. It cowed me, though. Meant I didn't make any more fuss.

I did eventually get a shower, though no help with it and I was far dizzier than I'd realised and struggled to stand. With hindsight, this was probably the blood loss.

Several midwives showed me how to feed him, but they all showed me different techniques and I felt a bit confused by it all - they'd say "yeah, you've got it" then the next would arrive and ask me to show them and they'd suggest I might find a different method easier/more successful, to repeat the cycle.

He received a vest and a teddy for being the first baby born that Christmas Day, and a book, another teddy, and some Child's Farm goodies for being born on Christmas Day at all. That was pretty cool.

I was told there was a place on the ward if I wanted it, but they knew I'd wanted a homebirth and they were unusually busy, so I could probably go instead if I'd prefer. Given my experience to that point, I definitely preferred. I let Husbit know and he got ready to come and collect me.

They brought me Christmas lunch, which was nice. I shared it with Husbit, as he'd arrived without eating anything as we both thought I'd be leaving sooner than I was.

When they did eventually discharge me, they explained that the doctors weren't happy to let me go because of the blood loss (which is when I discovered I'd had that), but that the midwives were "on my side"because it was Christmas. 

"It's Christmas, so you're willing to risk her life?" started Husbit. I shushed him, by now desperate to get out and unaware that he'd genuinely thought I was going to die during the labour (it took me several days to realise how traumatised he was). 

They signed me off as successfully breastfeeding because he latched ok (and let go immediately on doing so...), and we left.

Husbit's mother and sister met us at our house, with another Christmas meal and a bunch of presents. My mother-in-law informed me I needed to lose weight (something she'd repeat every time she saw me until he was 8 weeks old, even when I asked her not to, even when I pointed out it wouldn't be safe to Ziggy for me to start trying to diet yet, with him relying on my food). I asked her to give him back at some point while she was cuddling him - I forget whether I just wanted him back or if I thought he was hungry or something - and she snapped "NO!" whilst twisting her body away from me with him in her arms. My arm was ready to throw the punch before I noticed I'd balled my fist (I often wonder what would have happened if I'd let it fly). This was when our relationship - already frayed due to her behaviour especially towards the end of the pregnancy - started to really fracture, though I did my best to hide it for Husbit's sake.

My Dad and little sister came round Boxing Day. I'd suggested all my family should come, but they said I'd be overwhelmed. I pouted internally, but in the end was grateful. My sister laughed at my distended stomach "You've got a hippo too!" She hadn't known about this when she had her first, had thought you went straight back to looking not-pregnant immediately after giving birth and had been shocked and a little upset to discover that wasn't true, nicknaming the paunch "hippo" to make her feel better. She'd then forgotten again until after her daughter arrived.

My midwife checked us out. She and my sister were both a bit worried about his feeding, but the hospital had told me it was fine and I trusted them.

One of my friends drove down from Wales with presents. It was amazing to see her, and we ended up so grateful, because that was the night Ziggy decided to let us know he wasn't actually feeding. He screamed all night, kept pushing my breast away. Contacted my midwife, who sent Husbit out to buy some formula. She thought the one she recommended came with teats, but it didn't. Fortunately, we had some bottles and sterilising fluid. The bottles were really for a bigger baby, but it's what we had. Sterilised them in a bowl, having to roll them to sterilise the bit where an air bubble formed because we didn't have a bowl big enough to stand the bottle in.

Typing this, I can feel the anxiety building again.

He guzzled the formula.

My midwife arrived and weighed him. He'd lost 13% in 3 days. Babies are expected to lose weight, but not that much: 10% in 10 days, usually. She sent us to the hospital, and this is where my friend came in really useful. She's a trainee nurse and she's had 2 children, so she understood how sleep deprived we were, she knew some of the answers to the questions the staff asked us, and knew how to translate their questions and our answers where she didn't know. They wanted to take some blood, at one point, and she asked questions of the phlebotomist who let her assist, which I think helped me stay calm.

He was jaundiced, nearly enough to need a sun lamp but not quite. Part of me wanted them to put him under anyway, to make him safe, but I was too sleep deprived to know how to ask for that. I can see why it's a torture technique: I was very compliant. They admitted him to the children's ward for the night - I was distraught. I've never stayed in hospital before and it seemed frightening, especially to be away from Al.

Whose mother phoned when we were on the ward. She'd popped over to drop things off at ours and seen the bottle and sterilising set up we'd used, and yelled down the phone at me about how wrong it all was. I wanted to hang up, but, shaking, let her tell me off. After, I told Al she needed to back off, that I was fragile and needed handling with care and gentleness and she is not gentle. It's the first time I've stood up for myself like that and it felt strange, but I knew I had to for Ziggy's sake. "She's just worried. She's just trying to help. She just wants to help" was the refrain I would then hear from Al and, moreso, from his sister, which at least reassured me he had spoken to her but wasn't what I needed to hear, because, quite frankly, I didn't care what her intentions were so much as the effect. I felt that if she actually wanted to help, she could ask what would be helpful, and she could try to remember how overwhelming those first few days, weeks are. I still don't really understand why I'm the one who was expected to compromise at that time. On the plus side, my stepmum had had even worse problems with her in-laws and was amazing as a result. I hope to follow her example should I be lucky enough to become a grandparent.

It frustrates me to be so critical of Husbit's mother, but she's done a lot of emotional damage.

The hospital stay ended up being two nights and being really valuable. I managed some sleep - letting them take him from me for a few hours the first night was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I knew I had to or I wouldn't cope. A wonderful, kind auxilliary nurse by the name of Lol sat with us for 2 days until he and I had a much better idea how to feed. She warned me about the day 5 emotional crash. We were discharged with instructions to feed every 2 hours, starting by offering expressed milk, then breast, then topping up with formula. This was exhausting, and after an unknown number of days (every a blur by then), my midwife moved it to every 3 hours overnight. Gradually, my milk came in and he started to throw up the formula until eventually he was 100% breastfed. It was an incredible feeling, and now I take it for granted.

Watching him leave that night was so hard

but worth it once he was feeding

I'm really glad I persevered: being able to feed him without needing a load of paraphenalia makes it a lot easier to feed him when we're out and about. The fact he was introduced to the bottle so early also helped, as it means he didn't have to learn to take a bottle later and I can go out and leave him with his Dad. He never experienced "nipple confusion", and the hospital staff said it wasn't really a thing, in their experience. And they have a lot of it! Locally, there's a real problem with babies not feednig properly, which they lay to two things, both of which were my experience: 1) the above mentioned hospital sign off when not really feeding (it makes the maternity hospital numbers look good), and 2) the antenatal classes all make it sound easy and natural, so new mothers assume that what they're doing is right. The children's ward would love them to be honest about how hard it can be, just as they are with the labour, but the midwives don't want to because they worry it will put people off even trying.

The trauma of it all meant my midwife had me marked as ?PND. The next time I saw her, I asked for counselling which she quickly approved: she'd been going to suggest it anyway. I went for two sessions and by the second the feeding was going so much better that I felt ok and we agreed I'd only come back if I was still dwelling on any of it after 3 or 4 months. I hadn't told her about the in-law issues, but that's the one bit I'm still struggling with. Things she's said or done still pervade my thoughts and I still find myself talking about it. She was diagnosed with a vitamin B deficiency, which includes depression in the symptoms and has started to improve since being treated for that, but because of the way she was for the first few months it's still very easy for her to say or do something that makes me internally flinch. I'm doing my best to deal with it for Husbit and Ziggy's sake, but she really has done a lot of damage and I'm only starting to understand how much now that her attitude has improved.

Next Ziggy instalment will probably be on the more exciting topics of his hobbies, classes and development. He's 6 months old, and walking already! (Holding fingers, but walking)

The Sunsetting of G+

If you read my blog, you probably get here from Google+ so you're probably already aware that Google/Alphabet has announced they will be "sunsetting" the social network, and you'll probably be aware of why that sucks. If you're not familiar with G+, you may be wondering why I care.

The obvious first point is that most of my blog traffic comes from there. This is because I only share links from G+, so I can easily enough share to other networks and that's fine. I love seeing the statistics that show people (like you!) are reading my blog, but I'm not looking to have a huge number of readers; that's not why I do this. It's just a nice side effect.

It's my favourite social network. I'm on others, but it's my favourite, and now I have to find a replacement, which has had me thinking hard about why it's my favourite, about what makes it special to me. I'm looking at replacements, and none of them meet my needs. I think the easiest way to try and explain what is special about G+ is by looking through these others.

This is going to be long.

MeWe

MeWe is currently proving a popular alternative among roleplayers. There's some concern about the politics of the owner - strong libertarian with a belief in the kind of freedom of speech that isn't actually legal in my country, because it includes incitement to violence etc. And that doesn't sit entirely comfortably with a lot of people, but, contrarily, the site offers very robust tools to block and report hate speech and harrassers and anyone else. The site is intended for everyone, even those diametrically opposed to the owner's personal politics, and that is something I can respect. It is freedom of speech for all, not just those with the loudest voices.

As well as the quick and easy blocking and reporting and the good privacy protection that makes it less likely for issues to arise in the first place, it also has good support for groups, and one of the best things about G+ are the communities. They're diverse and welcoming and really easy to set up and moderate. There's loads of roleplay communities, which is where I mostly hangout, but you can find pretty much anything. MeWe have already made one change to groups, so that you can have a look at the group before joining it - that was frustrating to me, because people would invite me and I'd click the invitation only to discover I'd mystically joined a group that I had no interest in. That was never an issue on G+, but shows the MeWe developers are responding.

I like the way you can respond to a post or comment with a huge range of emoticons, even if the style of emoticon is more cartoony than the style I'm used to from using my phone to access G+. I like that G+ Refugees use the '+' symbol, but it's fun to see people interact imaginatively with other options too. That's something MeWe does better.

I don't like the interface, the main stream page. It's too bright, too cluttered, too like Facebook. There's talk that a dark version will be released, but there's going to be a charge for it and for me, with my fibromyalgia-induced hypersensitivity issues, it's about accessibility not preference: I can't tolerate the bright clutter for long. I object to being forced to pay even a token amount for something that, actually, might not fix the issue. I was cross when G+ switched the top bar from dark grey to red, kept feeding back to them that I wanted to have colour options, and that's what pushed me to use the app more than the desktop site. That red was difficult for me to process on the scale of a full screen, but is much preferable to what MeWe offer. The rest of the interface is clean: you can have multiple column display for your stream, or (like I do) one central column thatI find less distracting. There's a bar at the top that looks like you see at the top of most Google-based sites (and is no longer red but now white). To the left is a small menu; bottom right a button to do updates. And that's it. Loads of lovely, crisp, white space. No adverts. No annoying games. The only moving imagery is if someone has put GIF's in their posts. It's so, so good!

Other people dislike that MeWe doesn't have public posting. They're intending to bring it in, but it would be public within MeWe because for anything to be publicly visible on the net would breach MeWe's tightly enforced privacy controls. That could prove annoying for me occasionally, but doesn't bother me so much. It would be a problem for anyone who uses G+ as a public internet persona, though.

The MeWe developers are looking at bringing in things to satisfy those of us looking at moving over - the aforementioned change to groups, for instance, but also bringing in "pages" to replicate collections, and something akin to circles.

Collections are something I didn't think I'd like when they were introduced, but I make a lot of use of them now. They're a way of categorising your posts, making it easy for people to follow topics they're interested in and avoid things they don't want to see. My most popular collection is the one where I share circus videos - it has more followers than I do, because people can choose to just follow that collection. It's shared publicly, which means anyone who wants to can follow it. I have other collections that are shared to just my circles, or just specific circles. Only people I allow can see those collections, but they still have the choice to unfollow them and not have any posts from that collection show up in their feed. 

Which brings me on to circles, my very favourite thing about G+. You can create a circle and add people to it. They used to be better: I could create a circle of inspiring artists, say, and not have them show up in my stream normally, but look just at that circle when I wanted. The ability to weight how much a specific circle is displayed died away, and I had to get rid of some circles because they overwhelmed my feed. All the same, I love having such precise control over who sees what, and I like the lopsided nature of circles: I can put someone in a circle, and they don't have to do the same to me for me to see stuff they're comfortable sharing publicly. Unlike other social networks, I've never felt any pressure on G+ to follow someone back just because they followed me. I'm already feeling that pressure on MeWe - partly the terminology, partly the fact that, at the moment, you can only see stuff by accepting contact requests. MeWe are looking to bring in circles, sort of. I suspect, though, that like their "pages" there will be a plan to charge a monthly subscription to use them, and the options will be "public" (within MeWe), "contacts" (which I assume will be equivalent to current set up) and "close friends". I have way more than that! I have family on G+, who don't get to see things that my friends do, and friends and family get more access to me than others. I have loads of circles to allow me to fine tune who sees what, and that's how come ended up making so many friends through the network. I had the control at every step. (Facebook have come to offer something similar, but G+ did it first and better.)

G+ let me share photos and videos for free and with no storage cap. MeWe expects photos/videos to be uploaded to their cloud and has a storage cap that I'm pretty sure I'd reach quickly if I start using it to share my circus stuff.

I get that MeWe need to charge for things. They make a big thing about how user data remains the property of the user, and there's no ads, and they're not part of a megacorp, so they need to get funding from somewhere, but I don't want to be charged for things I feel I need. I like paying for the fun extras. I'm the same when it comes to mobile games: if you need to pay to win or pay to play, I won't pay, but if you can play for free and get a good game experience, there's a good chance I'll ping a few quid into the game from time to time. MeWe is looking to charge for the things that would make it a sufficient replacement by itself, and that means I don't want to spend money.

I like the way groups (communities) are implemented, though, and a lot of communities are migrating that way so I will probably hang around for that. The mobile app is pretty good too.

Diaspora (Pluspora)

I'd heard of federated networks in a vague way before, but have done a lot of reading since. I've tried (unsuccessfully, due to bugs and overloaded servers) to sign up to Mastodon, and have signed up to Nerdica (part of Friendica), but haven't yet found anyone else there (I know a few people said they'd signed up, but I can't remember whom). The one where I've spent the most time so far is Pluspora, part of Diaspora.

I love the interface. The default is so similar to G+ in the early days, but there are options if that doesn't suit you.

It has circles ("aspects"). I haven't played enough to see how much they mimic G+, but the sharing seems pretty similar so far.

It uses hashtags instead of collections, which doesn't work as well: I don't think you can unfollow a hashtag. But then, you can apply multiple hashtags and you could only ever post to one collection at a time.

It doesn't have communities, which makes me a little sad.

Photos/videos are shared using a link and Markup language, but using links from Google photos (where most of my photos are held) doesn't seem to work very well. G+ sometimes uploads really low res versions and sometimes gets stuck uploading, but it works well overall. Pluspora shrinks the image and only displays a portion of it, which I dislike.

You can only "like" the original post, not any of the comments from it. Also, it uses "like". G+ uses the plus symbol instead, which I like better because you can use that to show solidarity without making it sound like you're glad your friend is in pain. 

You can't edit posts or comments. I didn't think that would bother me to begin with, but it really does now!

There's no app providing push notifications, so I don't remember to look at it. Despite how slow it gets, I like the G+ app.

Like MeWe, the founders of Diaspora have said they'd like to implement changes to make us feel at home. The problem is, they rely on volunteer developers so changes can be a long time coming. They use Ruby on Rails (which I've looked at but never used) and JavaScript (which is the one programming thing I've worked with but never managed too get my head around). I'm tempted to see if I can do any small tasks while I'm on maternity - would look good in my CV, if nothing else - but it does depend on the baby.

It's free. There's no ads. It seems popular with the writers, photographers (despite aforementioned issues) and non-gaming geeks I follow. I'll probably hang around there for the social side, but I do need to look into Nerdica more deeply, as that may resolve some of my issues and apparently Friendica and Diaspora talk to each other. 

Instagram

You'd be forgiven for thinking Instagram may solve my issue of how to share photos/videos. I do share a lot there, but its too public, and videos are capped at a minute in length and sometimes you're forced to turn the sound off because a song is playing in the background. I use it to admire my aerial friends' videos and to get inspiration for my own aerial journey and to admire the talent of various geeks who share RPG character art. 

And Facebook, why not?

There's been a few voices asking why individuals and communities aren't moving to Facebook. That's no good to me: I predominantly use it for family. Some people have suggested I create a second account to maintain that separation I value, but there are otherissues. I've had a second account before, and they twigged and shut it down and told me they'd close both my accounts if I did it again (and I need my main account for the messenger app, which is the primary way the aerial circus school communicates). The interface is even more cluttered than MeWe's. But the biggest issue is that I end up feeling like I have to read every single update since my last log in, and that's very dangerous for my mental health. It's because I wasn't in a great headspace when I was using the site a lot, and when I started using G+ I swore to myself I wouldn't do the same.

And I just don't like Facebook. G+ is closing because they found an issue that could have been exploited to cause a data breach (but doesn't appear to have been), whereas FB has had repeated breaches. People on G+ were aware of exploitation by Cambridge Analytica before it hit the headlines, but weren't similarly affected. Sure, Google owns a lot of my data, but I've given it to them willingly and comprehendingly.

Bleurgh.

I'll keep investigating. Twitter's not sufficient for my needs (and has the same historic issue of me thinking I need to read everything), but I'll play there to be sure. I want to look into Dreamwidth and maybe look at resurrecting my LJ. There's 10 months for me to decide, and I'm planning on clinging to G+'s heels as it's ridden into the sunset, until they kick me free.

Normal service to resume as soon as pregnancy symptoms allow. Just didn't want the announcement to pass by completely uncommented here.

I said goodbye to the circus...

Ziggy & I have reached the third trimester!

We're both well. I'm tired and have neck, soulder, back and pelvic pain (pregnancy and fibro) but otherwise feeling pretty good.

I have had to finally give up circus until my abdomen has recovered after the birth. A really hard decision: part of me is terrified that I won't (want to) go back, it'll take months to return to where I was, and I miss it (and everyone) already! But I am too tired now, and my pelvic girdle pain, changing shape and weight, and stuff, there's too much I can't do. So that's it, now, until my rectus abdominus have recovered. I've done my best to avoid exercising them during pregnancy, to reduce diastasis recti, but I won't be allowed back until they've knitted back sufficiently - Vikki will make me do a sit up while she pokes the gap between by abs and once she can only fit 3 fingers in I'm allowed back.

I'm still going to pop along the weeks I'm not too tired, for the social side of it - and to stretch and maybe sneak up the silks occasionally just to keep myself sane!

We did a photoshoot a couple of weeks ago. I'm glad I was still on form for that. Photos won't be ready until around Ziggy's due date, but here's a "behind the scenes" snap for you to enjoy until then.

The photographer was Simon from the Image Cella. He specialises in pole, aerial and dance photography; you can see more on Instagram. I'll post my photos as soon after they're ready as I can, but I will have other things on my mind!

Part of me's hoping that having extra evenings free means I'll get back to blogging properly - I've got half an Exalted post waiting to be finished - but I'm not sure I'll have the energy even with more free evenings. I'll try, because next year I think I'll be even busier! ;-)

Pregnancy Thoughts

RPGaDay is over for another year, which means back to normal for this blog. I've got a few thoughts on things I read that I want to write about, particularly the idea that players should be fans of each other's characters (a piece of advice I'm very in favour of and shall endeavour to bring into practice moving forward). Inspired by this and Mark Knight's story about another player's character in one of his games, I also want to get back to writing about the other characters in games I'm in, or maybe will try to encourage my friends to write something for me - or both!

During August, I read an OSR piece because I don't know the difference between OSR and not-OSR and was hoping to learn, and what I learnt was that the biggest difference is that in OSR there's a subset of people who don't care that about sexism/racism/homophobia etc in gaming because it doesn't affect them, and who don't think that it matters that they don't care because gamers are nearly all middle-aged white men like they are - and who will be rude and shout down anyone who disagrees with them or even just tries raising a banner to say "I exist". Sigh. Not something I wanted to write about at the time because I wanted to focus on the positive side of gaming, but it is an issue that does need to be addressed.

Of course, the biggest thing on my mind is my pregnancy (it's one of the reasons why I feel the above issue is important.) It's going well - we're at 25 weeks, which means the foetus is considered viable and were I to go into labour they'd attempt to save the baby, which is reassuring. Foetal anomoly scan at 20 weeks revealed nothing of concern, so I'm still on course for a homebirth. Yay!

Something I've been meaning to do for a while is write about pregnancy in a bit more detail, either as a reference for GM's/players who want a pregnant character in their game, or for another pregnant person to stumble across to go "I'm not alone!" I'll have a go at the former another time, maybe, though I'm sure there's stuff here that might be interesting.

So, disclaimers first: 

• Every pregnancy is different. This is my experience of this pregnancy and may not reflect your experience at all, and that's ok!
• I am not a medical professional, practioner or trainee. If you have any concerns, speak to a midwife, nurse or GP. One thing I have experienced is that, in my local area at least, they really do want to hear from you if you have any issues, or even are just having a bad day

You hear stories about people who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth. If I didn't know people who'd had fairly symptomless pregnancies, or who didn't find out they were pregnant until late (7 months, in one case), I'd have joined the chorus of surprise and disbelief, but it looks as though this is actually more common than one might think. I had the opposite experience, with sufficient symptoms to suspect before implantation!

Things I Wish I'd Known

There's a lot of symptoms and side effects of pregnancy that suck, and I wish I'd been warned of a few beforehand:

• constipation and diarrhea
• insomnia despite being very, very tired (like being a teenager again!)
• pain in abdomen is normal, even early on - but get it checked out if you're at all worried
• people will judge you if you tell people early in the pregnancy (I did because I know miscarriage is very common and figured it would be easier to explain why I was in whatever state that would put me into should it happen to me if the people I was explaining to already knew I was pregnant - but people were very judgemental, especially older women and men of all ages. Not everyone, of course, but enough I stopped sharing and felt miserable about it)
• babies move less when it's hot (but if you're concerned, phone a midwife)
• baby movements are creepy and gross. I was thrilled when I started feeling them, but they quickly became creepy, gross and uncomfortable. After a slow down thanks to the heatwave, I find them reassuring and enjoy them again, but I really wasn't for a while 
• you're still tired in the second trimester. The pregnancy apps in particular will tell you all about how there's a sudden boost in energy when the second trimester starts, making it sound like more energy than you had pre-pregnancy. That may be the case for some people, but for me and everyone I've spoken to about it, it's been more like being slightly less exhausted than the adjacent trimesters
• body temperature rises. Until my body learnt how to regulate the new temperature, I felt I was trapped next to a furnace!
• headaches. Just constant headaches
• the first trimester is kinda like a 3 month long hangover

Things I'm Glad I Was Warned About

• first symptom: an outward pressure in the abdomen, which I'd have dismissed as IBS if I hadn't had a friend mention it
• super realistic dreams and nightmares associated with the pregnancy, birth and parenthood are normal. This would have really freaked me out if I hadn't known. The nastiest dream so far involved giving birth to a baby missing its skull and the bones in its right leg; the most amusing that I actually had triplets and one of them had travelled out of the womb and settled in my thigh - and no one was worried; the most recent was a normal labour and a healthy baby boy. I'm not having them frequently (yet) and not everyone has them, but it is common and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or the baby
• round ligament pain. When this started, I was pretty sure I knew what was wrong but if I hadn't heard of it I'd have been terrified - and as it was, Husbit was concerned. Basically, terrible pain whenever I got out of bed. Checked with the midwife and she confirmed what it was, and the pain hasn't felt as bad since: a little reassurance can go a long way
• pelvic girdle pain. One of my circus friends had a baby last year, and like me is hypermobile. She had PGP and warned me: 1 in 5 women will experience this, and it's more common in hypermobile people. The Flying Through Pregnancy book from Spin City that talks about how to do aerial safely while pregnant also warns of this. I'd had hip problems since early in the pregnancy, as I'd started sleeping on my side early to get used to it and found my upper hip trying to dislocate and the muscle around my lower hip becoming very sore (careful squats have helped with both issues, and a pregnancy pillow has made a huge difference to the subluxating feeling), but in the past week I've started to get pain in my perineal area and the front of my pelvis when I transition between sitting and standing, or when I roll over in bed, or if I turn awkwardly when walking. It varies from a mild thrum to very painful. Midwife has given me a form to refer myself for physio, so hoping that will help
• patches of darker skin. The linea negra is a line that can appear from belly button to pubic area and dark patches can appear on your face (a "mask of pregnancy"). I've not had these, but have developed freckles and dark patches on my breasts, which are unpleasant to look at and made me worry about breast cancer until I remembered my work colleague's face. A quick internet search later, and I felt fine (favourite comment from someone else with the same: "It's like my nipple is trying to grow as much areola as possible"). Will almost certainly go away after pregnancy
• baby movements become visible. I really enjoy this - when I heard about it happening to other people, I thought it sounded cool, but around when the movements were creeping me out I got worried that this would be even creepier. My mood was really low the day I first saw movement, which may be why I haven't found it creepy at any point: it cheered me up and I've enjoyed it ever since, but I suspect if I hadn't known it was a thing I'd have freaked out
• bump size and shape is really variable (that said, a neat bump is a sign of strong abdominal muscles, which will lead to an easier labour)
• pelvic floor exercises are important! I've not had any associated issues as yet, but if I do I'll be ok because I know it's normal
• perineum massage reduces tearing. I'm very glad to have known this before I received the information sheet explaining how to do perineum massage, because even forewarned it's freaked me out a little!

Things That Weren't The Way I Expected

• I knew morning sickness wasn't just the morning, but (like 50% of pregnant people) I found it was predominantly nausea with only very occasional vomiting - and the nausea was more disruptive than the vomiting. Also, my nausea started and ended earlier than average, and I didn't know that it was normal to still occasionally vomit in the second trimester
• hypersensitivity to smell was much more powerful than I expected: Husbit finally appreciated how sensitive I'd become when I walked into the kitchen saying "ooh, tarragon, yummy", smelling the herb as strongly as if he was holding it under my nose, when less than a teaspoon had gone into the dinner and he couldn't smell it at all, even knowing it was there
• I didn't go off spicy food in the first trimester - in fact, I wanted more of it! Now, I have a preference for sharp foods, like lemon sorbet and sour sweets. This is apparently more normal than the spicy food thing
• I've been much, much calmer than I expected
• sex drive skyrocketed in the first few weeks, then plummetted. I knew both of these things were possible, but the height was so much higher than I expected, and when it dropped I found I still enjoyed sex, I just didn't want to start it
• breast changes - they grew much faster than I expected, and that was very painful. They were also crazy sensitive and tingled all over
• hair growth is not limited to head hair. Not sure why I didn't think this through, but it's kinda obvious... Armpit hair, leg hair, random hairs on random body parts... 
• no food cravings. I've changed the times of day I'm hungry and the types of food I want to eat, but not had any strong or strange cravings. I have had whole days where I haven't wanted to eat; my little sister had the same first time round 
• the first scan was as magical as I'd been told, making it more magical than I expected. The second wasn't: maybe my expectations were higher, or maybe my head was just in a different place. It was cool, but didn't impact me the same way
• Braxton Hicks contractions start way earlier than I thought! Week 6, though I didn't feel any until a couple of weeks ago, and have only had them maybe twice
• thirsty all the time
• not allowed more than 200mg of caffeine per day - was expecting it to be hard, but went off the taste and even the smell of coffee during the first trimester. That lifted with the start of the second trimester and now I am finding it harder, some days, but still not as bad as I thought
• I need to ask for help with things I used to find easy because I tire out quickly
• I can still do aerial, fairly comfortably. I'm obviously taking it very gently and not doing anything that feels risky, and reading up as much as I can on what's safe, but I'm still feeling good to teach and practice. One midwife was very excited about this as a hobby, too, which I didn't expect
• used to be, when I was out and about and saw pregnant people or people with young children, I'd feel painful envy. Now, I get given a little secret smile as though I've been initiated into a private, hidden club

Things People Have Said That Are Annoying

• "Think you're tired now? That's the next 18 years!" - I have a history of insomnia and fatigue, so this is already something I worry about if I let myself. Being reminded of it is not helpful - and kinda patronising, because I already know and it ignores my experience
• "Don't google anything; it'll just scare you" - my experience with internet searches and pregnancy symptoms has been very reassuring. I often tag "NHS" to the end of a search to get factsheets, but even places like Mum's Net are reassuring rather than fearmongering. Even when you have symptoms that need checking out, the advice to do so is given calmly and in a supportive manner
• "Is it pink or blue?" - it's a person, not a colour
• (I know other people have found comments on their bump size annoying, but they don't bother me so much. Ditto pregnancy/labour horror stories: I have always found these weirdly reassuring)

 

Things People Have Said That Are Helpful

• "It's ok to hate pregnancy" - I couldn't imagine it at the time I was told this, but a week later I was very grateful
• "There's so many weird pregnancy symptoms, it would be even weirder if you didn't have anything weird" - from my sister (a trained nurse and then pregnant with her second child) in response to my worry about rib pain very early on
• "Relaxed parents have relaxed babies" - might not help another, but for me it helps me stay in control whenever I start to worry
• "Listen to your body"/"Trust your instincts" - for pregnancy and child-raising
• "If you're worried, talk to a midwife" - having phoned once for reduced movement, I understand that they really would rather you bother them over nothing than sit and stew. Talking about emotional issues at my last check up, my midwife informed me I should phone in if I'm feeling down again, because they'd much rather talk to me than not know
• "It's ok to want one gender more than the other" - I want a daughter, really, but have been afraid to admit it for fear of judgement (and because I've heard that transgender people are quizzed on whether their parents had a gender preference so I've worried if I have a son who turns out to be a daughter and it's known I wanted a daughter, they could end up being denied the ability to transition because it's assumed I've pressured them into it). Being told it was ok to have a preference enabled me to face up to it and accept it, and now I don't mind (most of the time) 
• "Your partner might not feel any connection to/interest in the baby until after the first/second scan/it's arrived" - his almost indifference to the child (although he's taking care of me) would be upsetting if other friends of mine hadn't recently had children and gone through the same, with the other parent now being as involved with the baby as the mother

Things That Are Great

• IBS, fibromyalgia, asthma and eczema symptoms went away completely for the first trimester and are still muted now (which means less pain, less fatigue, and ability to eat loads of things I couldn't before)
• wriggly baby! Responds to cold drinks, sugary/caffeinated drinks, Hanson and Green Day, and sometimes will poke back if I poke an area
• can ask for a glass of water in shops or other places when I'm out and about. The fact I have a prominent bump makes it hard for people to deny me!
• mum voice is starting to develop. Finding it a lot easier to stand my ground and tell people off...

There's loads more, I've no doubt, but this is already long and it'll do for now. Sorry if there's any repeats or anything obvious missed - I've written and re-written and haven't proofread because it's taken longer than I intended and I'm about to go out.