I promise I am working on more material!

Life has just runaway with me a bit. Between work, fibromyalgia and Ziggy, I'm pretty exhausted all the time. But today's my day off work and Husbit and Ziggy are curled up on the sofa watching TV to give me a chance to do my own thing for once. 

 

Well, I say "for once", but I do get to go to circus once a week and play Mage once a month. It's not much, but it's something, and I'll be teaching private circus lessons soon, which I'm really excited about.

 

Blogger's changed a lot since I was last here. Wasn't expecting that.

 

I've got a Mage post in draft, and it's October so I want to write a spooky short story - espeically as I missed RPGaDAY for the first time this year. In the meantime, here's a photo of a cat that thinks it lives here even though it doesn't. 

 

We're staying safe here, but I've reached a point where I'm absolutely convinced that the horrid cold I had over Christmas/New Year was covid: I completely lost my sense of smell for about 8 weeks, and have realised that it's still absolutely terrible now. I'd assumed it was the masks at work meant I wasn't smelling bodily fluids and other excretia as strongly as expected, and that I'd just got used to Ziggy's nappies, but a few comments about smells in rooms from colleagues who haven't had covid or suspected covid made me realise I just don't smell any more, unless I deliberately sniff a thing. It's a bit sad, because I used to have a pretty good sense of smell. They say it wasn't in the country then, certainly not in this part of the country, but I'm sure that's what I had. Reinfection has been confirmed, though, so I'm still not taking chances.

 

I hope you're all well. Thank you for bearing with me. I promise I will get more RPG/fiction related stuff out again at some point!

Life and Plague and Stuff

Oh dear, how did it get so long between posts?

Oh yeah, I have a baby... or more accurately now, a toddler.

I also went back to full time work, had a bit of a breakdown, and am now trying to job hunt in other, less mentally taxing career fields. Which, with the whole covid virus thing, isn't that easy - though I might be able to work part time in a nearby care home, which I think would suit me, and the hours are much better than where I was. Shame it's so badly paid.

Basically, I was a software developer for a big company, who sold my department overseas. Not fancying a commute to Jo'burg, I came back off maternity straight into redundancy. Managed to find a new job straightaway, but unfortunately using the languages I like the least and doing web development, which I just don't find very interesting. The company had a very set way of doing things, so every time I completed a task, it would be reviewed and I'd be told I'd done it wrong, with no support on how to do it right the first way ("oh, just look at what's already there. Yeah, don't look at that bit, it's legacy." "Well which bit should I look at?" "Oh, figure it out.") The hours meant I barely saw Ziggy, and he became so distressed every time I left him that my heart was breaking - and he doesn't sleep through the night, so with the high level thinking I was exhausted. I'd stand in the kitchen crying before I had to leave, but it wasn't until a few weeks after I'd finished that I realised how ill I'd become. I'm on anti-anxiety meds, and have a panic attack whenever I try and code, even for fun. It's frustrating, because I used to truly love coding, and I think if I'd been able to go back to my old job it would have been fine (flexi-time and I was confident in what I was doing).

Message from Ziggy:   \ \bjnbbbbbbxxzgh\\ nnnnnnnnnnnv       j. 

And resuming. The saddest news is that Kitty died. She reached a point where we knew she had to be put down, but it was still the hardest decision we've ever made and really shook us both up. The vet was fantastic, very gentle with her and with us. He'd nursed her through the end few months and was fighting back tears himself.

I have a huge, feline shaped hole in my life and really want another rescue cat, but Husbit's not quite ready, and we'll need to be patient to get the right cat (friendly, short haired, ideally one I'm not allergic to, and most importantly one who's happy with small children). Ziggy loves all the neighbourhood cats, so he'll be thrilled but we'll have to make sure he's respectful. He is usually good with cats, at least - desperate to pet them but fairly gentle and I've only once had to stop him chasing one who'd walked away.

This is Biscuit, who haunts the local park and loves to play with the children.

We're currently covid free here. There's a few confirmed and more suspected cases in my general area, but only one of my friends has even a suspected case. We've had to close circus for now, which made me really sad - but on the plus side, I've got some of the equipment in my hall waiting for the owner to come by and collect so we'll still be able to play on the new rig she's ordered. In small, symptom-free groups, and assuming the advice doesn't get even stricter... (And if it does, I might be able to borrow a rig for my own garden...)

Like most people I've spoken to, I'm less worried about actually catching the virus (despite my asthma) than the economic impact of it. I am concerned about a few older friends and family members, and I'd be terrified if it was having a big impact on small children, but as it stands I'm fairly calm. The panic buying is frustrating, though: rice is about the only thing Ziggy will consistently eat, so we get through a lot and currently can't replenish our stash. The most annoying bit is hearing from friends who work in depots that there are no actual shortages: the problems are logistic in that people are buying too fast. If everyone slowed down, it would be fine, but instead we're in this stupid spiral.

Pathfinder is on hiatus, though this is partly down to a house move on the part of one player. We're finishing up the 'interlude' section where I play Jvala, and I'm very exciting at the thought of getting back to my beloved Svetlana. We will shortly be attempting our first remote Mage game via Discord - a medium I never got my head round, so this should be interesting. Wish me luck!

Best wishes and stay safe everyone!

Birthing Debrief pt 2

As with the previous post, I appreciate this is something that isn't going to be of interest to those of you who read the blog purely for the geek stuff. I want to talk through the birth and days after to help sort it out in my mind and because it's a huge thing to me, and I want to talk about Ziggy endlessly because I'm overwhelmed by the wonder of him, but I also want to keep up writing about games and aerial and other things I love, because it's important to me to be a rounded person with interests beyond my child. I'll find a balance that works for me.

In the meantime, here's the cat pic warning for those of you not interested in birth and newborns, or who don't want to read about the things Husbit refers to as "human goo": the blood, faeces, urine, vomit, snot and dribble that comes from having a baby.

I stared at him. The trauma of the previous however long was tethered to me like helium balloons, and with each breath another string was snipped until the universe was him and me. I felt a swelling of love for Husbit, for my stepmum, my family, my friends. Everything and everyone that mattered to me mattered more. It was like he was an amplifier for the love in me.

They turned off the epidural as soon as he arrived, which meant no pain relief for the stitches. The antenatal class had warned me about this, saying that we'd be so absorbed in the baby that we wouldn't notice the pain. I was very absorbed in him, but it still really hurt (I remember that pain better than the pain of the birth itself, probably because it happened after I first saw him). While they were doing that, the trainee muttered about there not being any tearing (weird things to feel about), and the consultant saying this was unusual when there was - and I missed the next word, filling in "forceps" or "a large/stuck baby". Hours later, I learnt I'd haemorrhaged. A blood loss of 500ml or more is considered a haemorrhage. I lost 1300ml. I think I was lucky not to need a transfusion.

I'd agreed with the first midwife when we arrived that we'd do delayed cord clamping and that my stepmum would cut the cord, but she'd left by the time he arrived, and the doctors either didn't read her notes or didn't care and did all that before any of us knew. I'm a bit cross about not having delayed cord clamping.

I was exhausted and wanted peace and quiet to be with Ziggy. I wanted Husbit with me, but the bed was small and awkward with no space for him to curl with me, and I knew my stepmum's car was back at our house and I knew he was exhausted too and needed to rest and I knew I'd be ok with Ziggy (who had a real name now, a grown up name for such a young person) so when I heard him dithering around I sent him home to come back in the morning. I was still in this little bubble of love and it enveloped him even when he wasn't next to me.

Eventually, it was just me, Ziggy, and a midwife. She quietly scribbled notes, giving me some peace. Ziggy stayed on my chest for a few hours, which was lovely, covered in the blood and goo of birth, which wasn't. At some point, someone took him off me, cleaned him of the poo he'd smeared over both of us, and put him back on my chest in the same pile of meconium. I didn't bother to mention the next time he pooed and just enjoyed the weight of him instead. Midwives kept changing - I'm not sure how many we went through over the course of the night. Eventually, one took him and cleaned him up, dressed him and laid him in the bassinet beside me and we lay there staring at each other. I timed my breathing to his. Whenever one of us got hiccups, the other started soon after. I imagine we both dozed, but I don't really remember.

They left me filthy when they cleaned him. I'm pretty sure they turned off my oxitocin an hour early and took away my fluid drip before they should have, but I was pretty out of it when they were told when to take that away, so I may be wrong. The room was far too hot for me - they kept saying my faint feeling was the blood loss, but I knew it was the heat. One midwife listened to me. She turned the aircon on and I was fine (until the next came and turned it off again). She helped me stand so I could move to the chair for a change of scene, and said she'd be back shortly to help me have a shower. An hour, longer, passed and she didn't return, so I rang and another midwife appeared, said I couldn't have a shower because I couldn't stand up because I'd had an epidural (I could. It was hard because it was so hot in there and I'd lost all that blood, but I could stand and I could walk). The nice midwife eventually came back and apologised that she couldn't help me have a shower because she was too busy, now, but she did shortly after bring me a basin of water and some wipes, so I at least managed a strip wash, and she helped me put knickers on after.

Top tip: if you're ever helping someone with a catheter and stitches put on their knickers, put the catheter tube through the leg hole on the side the stitches aren't.

She did, at least, come back to remove the catheter pretty much to the minute of when it was able to be removed, for which I was very grateful.

Midwives would bring me tea and toast, then he would stir and I'd see to him so they'd go cold and midwives would take them away without letting me say that I'd rather have them cold than not at all... That didn't help my faintness either. 

One midwife, when I'd finally had enough and got as close to griping as I did all night, told me they were very busy and that "not everyone got to have a happy ending like you", which, y'know, probably not something she should have said to me. Definitely not something I wanted to hear. It cowed me, though. Meant I didn't make any more fuss.

I did eventually get a shower, though no help with it and I was far dizzier than I'd realised and struggled to stand. With hindsight, this was probably the blood loss.

Several midwives showed me how to feed him, but they all showed me different techniques and I felt a bit confused by it all - they'd say "yeah, you've got it" then the next would arrive and ask me to show them and they'd suggest I might find a different method easier/more successful, to repeat the cycle.

He received a vest and a teddy for being the first baby born that Christmas Day, and a book, another teddy, and some Child's Farm goodies for being born on Christmas Day at all. That was pretty cool.

I was told there was a place on the ward if I wanted it, but they knew I'd wanted a homebirth and they were unusually busy, so I could probably go instead if I'd prefer. Given my experience to that point, I definitely preferred. I let Husbit know and he got ready to come and collect me.

They brought me Christmas lunch, which was nice. I shared it with Husbit, as he'd arrived without eating anything as we both thought I'd be leaving sooner than I was.

When they did eventually discharge me, they explained that the doctors weren't happy to let me go because of the blood loss (which is when I discovered I'd had that), but that the midwives were "on my side"because it was Christmas. 

"It's Christmas, so you're willing to risk her life?" started Husbit. I shushed him, by now desperate to get out and unaware that he'd genuinely thought I was going to die during the labour (it took me several days to realise how traumatised he was). 

They signed me off as successfully breastfeeding because he latched ok (and let go immediately on doing so...), and we left.

Husbit's mother and sister met us at our house, with another Christmas meal and a bunch of presents. My mother-in-law informed me I needed to lose weight (something she'd repeat every time she saw me until he was 8 weeks old, even when I asked her not to, even when I pointed out it wouldn't be safe to Ziggy for me to start trying to diet yet, with him relying on my food). I asked her to give him back at some point while she was cuddling him - I forget whether I just wanted him back or if I thought he was hungry or something - and she snapped "NO!" whilst twisting her body away from me with him in her arms. My arm was ready to throw the punch before I noticed I'd balled my fist (I often wonder what would have happened if I'd let it fly). This was when our relationship - already frayed due to her behaviour especially towards the end of the pregnancy - started to really fracture, though I did my best to hide it for Husbit's sake.

My Dad and little sister came round Boxing Day. I'd suggested all my family should come, but they said I'd be overwhelmed. I pouted internally, but in the end was grateful. My sister laughed at my distended stomach "You've got a hippo too!" She hadn't known about this when she had her first, had thought you went straight back to looking not-pregnant immediately after giving birth and had been shocked and a little upset to discover that wasn't true, nicknaming the paunch "hippo" to make her feel better. She'd then forgotten again until after her daughter arrived.

My midwife checked us out. She and my sister were both a bit worried about his feeding, but the hospital had told me it was fine and I trusted them.

One of my friends drove down from Wales with presents. It was amazing to see her, and we ended up so grateful, because that was the night Ziggy decided to let us know he wasn't actually feeding. He screamed all night, kept pushing my breast away. Contacted my midwife, who sent Husbit out to buy some formula. She thought the one she recommended came with teats, but it didn't. Fortunately, we had some bottles and sterilising fluid. The bottles were really for a bigger baby, but it's what we had. Sterilised them in a bowl, having to roll them to sterilise the bit where an air bubble formed because we didn't have a bowl big enough to stand the bottle in.

Typing this, I can feel the anxiety building again.

He guzzled the formula.

My midwife arrived and weighed him. He'd lost 13% in 3 days. Babies are expected to lose weight, but not that much: 10% in 10 days, usually. She sent us to the hospital, and this is where my friend came in really useful. She's a trainee nurse and she's had 2 children, so she understood how sleep deprived we were, she knew some of the answers to the questions the staff asked us, and knew how to translate their questions and our answers where she didn't know. They wanted to take some blood, at one point, and she asked questions of the phlebotomist who let her assist, which I think helped me stay calm.

He was jaundiced, nearly enough to need a sun lamp but not quite. Part of me wanted them to put him under anyway, to make him safe, but I was too sleep deprived to know how to ask for that. I can see why it's a torture technique: I was very compliant. They admitted him to the children's ward for the night - I was distraught. I've never stayed in hospital before and it seemed frightening, especially to be away from Al.

Whose mother phoned when we were on the ward. She'd popped over to drop things off at ours and seen the bottle and sterilising set up we'd used, and yelled down the phone at me about how wrong it all was. I wanted to hang up, but, shaking, let her tell me off. After, I told Al she needed to back off, that I was fragile and needed handling with care and gentleness and she is not gentle. It's the first time I've stood up for myself like that and it felt strange, but I knew I had to for Ziggy's sake. "She's just worried. She's just trying to help. She just wants to help" was the refrain I would then hear from Al and, moreso, from his sister, which at least reassured me he had spoken to her but wasn't what I needed to hear, because, quite frankly, I didn't care what her intentions were so much as the effect. I felt that if she actually wanted to help, she could ask what would be helpful, and she could try to remember how overwhelming those first few days, weeks are. I still don't really understand why I'm the one who was expected to compromise at that time. On the plus side, my stepmum had had even worse problems with her in-laws and was amazing as a result. I hope to follow her example should I be lucky enough to become a grandparent.

It frustrates me to be so critical of Husbit's mother, but she's done a lot of emotional damage.

The hospital stay ended up being two nights and being really valuable. I managed some sleep - letting them take him from me for a few hours the first night was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I knew I had to or I wouldn't cope. A wonderful, kind auxilliary nurse by the name of Lol sat with us for 2 days until he and I had a much better idea how to feed. She warned me about the day 5 emotional crash. We were discharged with instructions to feed every 2 hours, starting by offering expressed milk, then breast, then topping up with formula. This was exhausting, and after an unknown number of days (every a blur by then), my midwife moved it to every 3 hours overnight. Gradually, my milk came in and he started to throw up the formula until eventually he was 100% breastfed. It was an incredible feeling, and now I take it for granted.

Watching him leave that night was so hard

but worth it once he was feeding

I'm really glad I persevered: being able to feed him without needing a load of paraphenalia makes it a lot easier to feed him when we're out and about. The fact he was introduced to the bottle so early also helped, as it means he didn't have to learn to take a bottle later and I can go out and leave him with his Dad. He never experienced "nipple confusion", and the hospital staff said it wasn't really a thing, in their experience. And they have a lot of it! Locally, there's a real problem with babies not feednig properly, which they lay to two things, both of which were my experience: 1) the above mentioned hospital sign off when not really feeding (it makes the maternity hospital numbers look good), and 2) the antenatal classes all make it sound easy and natural, so new mothers assume that what they're doing is right. The children's ward would love them to be honest about how hard it can be, just as they are with the labour, but the midwives don't want to because they worry it will put people off even trying.

The trauma of it all meant my midwife had me marked as ?PND. The next time I saw her, I asked for counselling which she quickly approved: she'd been going to suggest it anyway. I went for two sessions and by the second the feeding was going so much better that I felt ok and we agreed I'd only come back if I was still dwelling on any of it after 3 or 4 months. I hadn't told her about the in-law issues, but that's the one bit I'm still struggling with. Things she's said or done still pervade my thoughts and I still find myself talking about it. She was diagnosed with a vitamin B deficiency, which includes depression in the symptoms and has started to improve since being treated for that, but because of the way she was for the first few months it's still very easy for her to say or do something that makes me internally flinch. I'm doing my best to deal with it for Husbit and Ziggy's sake, but she really has done a lot of damage and I'm only starting to understand how much now that her attitude has improved.

Next Ziggy instalment will probably be on the more exciting topics of his hobbies, classes and development. He's 6 months old, and walking already! (Holding fingers, but walking)

Birthing Debrief pt1

From the title of my previous post about the arrival of Ziggy (here), you probably twigged he was born on Christmas Day. Just.

This is the post where I'm going to go into a lot more detail of the labour and birth. If that doesn't interest you, here's a photo of the Cat. If you are interested, carry on reading below.

 

He was due on a Sunday. I had my 28 week appointment at 28+2, the Tuesday after the 28 week mark based on the due date. That afternoon, I developed Braxton Hicks 'practice contractions'. They'd build up until we thought labour was starting, then stop for 8-12 hours. This continued until the Saturday 6 days after he was due, when I felt a big shift in his position. He'd been beautifully head down and was close to engaged, back slightly to the side of perfect, so I was hopeful this was him (or it, as he still was at the time) getting fully engaged ready for labour. Contractions were 7 minutes apart for an hour. We kicked our roleplay group out and started clearing things ready to call the midwife. The contractions stopped.

Something was different when I woke the next morning. No contractions yet, but I knew this was the day labour would start. It was my big sister's birthday and I was a bit concerned it wasn't the most diplomatic day to arrive (though she would have been delighted). We met my younger siblings at a pub for lunch, then wandered back to brother's house for tea and chatting. Sister handed me niece, who was nearly 7 months at this point, and i sat and sniffed her head (sniffing the head of a newborn is said to help people go into labour. Of the old wives' tales on the subject, this is the only one I know anyone to have had any success with). Slowly, I became more confident that the contractions weren't Braxton Hicks any more, and Husbit and I headed home once more.

The midwife at the end of the line wasn't my midwife, and (given my niblings arrived in quick labours and based on what I described) she suspected I would have the baby if not that Sunday then certainly early enough on the Monday she'd be the one delivering it rather than my midwife. I was to call back as things progressed.

It becomes a bit of a blur after that.

She didn't come out until the Monday morning. My contractions still weren't fully regular, but the intensity was such she came to check. I was 2cm dilated, though she could already stretch me all the way to 10 (I gather this is unusual and suspect relates to my hypermobility). She checked and found he'd gone back to back, and did a membrane sweep (which I was due to have that day anyway). When the contractions started making me throw up, she reassured us that this was normal for some women, something about the muscles helping push on the baby. She advised feeding me teaspoons of honey, as the sugars are absorbed through the gums so even if I ended up unable to keep anything down, at least I'd have some energy going in. I became very grateful for this advice. The midwife then left, saying mine would come along as soon as her shift started, which she did.

My stepmum had stayed over the Sunday night, and my sister came to relieve her on the Monday. I remember asking Husbit for a back rub, and the Cat, clearly concerned hopping onto my back and kneading the exact area. I remember my midwife making me lie on my side during contractions to help him back to the right position, only once she'd said I could labour how I felt comfortable again (labouring on you side is painful) I went back on all fours and he went back to the wrong position. I remember the gas and air making me feel even more nauseated and high and slightly out of control. I remember the birthing pool was the only place I had any comfort or relief. I remember squatting in it with Husbit pouring new water in close enough to my lower back to soothe it, but ont so close as to scald me, and staring at my sister saying "I can't do this" with her holding my gaze and very calmly repeating "you can do this. You are doing this. This is what doing this feels like." She doesn't remember what she said, but it was the combination of her calm tone and the focussed eye contact as much as the words that helped me through.

 

Progress was so slow. I was barely 4cm dilated by the afternoon, my contractions weren't coming at sufficiently regular intervals, and weren't consistent strengths. It was real labour, but it wasn't a good one. My midwife broke my waters and said she'd check dilation again a bit later, but if I still wasn't far enough we'd need to go to hospital. Bang went my secret dream of him arriving in his sac, but I was too exhausted to regret it for more than a few seconds. It was a weird experience, and I had a brief panic that the shower curtain we'd laid over the sofa wasn't waterproof enough before deciding I didn't care (turns out it was fine). I remember finding it a surreal experience, and that the waters were really warm, but I don't remember much else until we got to the time my midwife had said she'd do her next examination. She started to say that she'd take a look, but as I turned my exhausted face to her she said she wouldn't bother: I wanted to go to hospital either way. I could barely nod agreement, then had the panic that I couldn't have gas and air in the car. Even though I'd hated it, I felt like I couldn't cope without. My sister had to leave at the same time, but fortunately my stepmum arrived just intime to accompany us. She sat in the back of our car with Husbit driving and me desperately sucking on the mouthpiece (unconnected, I actually found it gave more relief because I could breathe deeply with it without worrying about the side effects) beside her. It's a 15min drive down nice, wide roads, but I don't think a drive has ever been so frightening for Husbit.

 

My midwife met us at the hospital, helped me into a chair and I was wheeled to the delivery suite. I could tell we were there by the grunts, cries and screams behind the closed doors around us. They quickly found me a room and my midwife handed me over to a stranger. Somehow, I hadn't realised that coming to hospital meant giving up the midwife I'd built a relationship with, and part of me wanted to change my mind and try again at home. I knew I couldn't, but I didn't want Marghuerita to go. 

 

Among the other benefits of a homebirth is that my birthplan was pretty loose: I'd like to give birth at home, in the birthing pool. I don't want pethadine (family history of issues). I would like delayed cord clamping (default option for our local homebirth team). As for the injection to speed placenta delivery, we'll see how I feel when we get there. When the first of the hospital midwives took charge of me, she wrote down the ones still relevant: no pethadine and delayed cord clamping. She also asked us about cord cutting, and we offered that to my stepmum (as Husbit didn't want to do it), which she was delighted by. Husbit went to buy me some energy drink (something pink, either raspberry powerade or pink lucozade. I drank a lot of both over the next week). The anaesthesiologist arrived to talk me through the epidural, but she went faint and dizzy as she went to start the procedure so went home sick, meaning we had to wait for another to come over from the main hospital. This took so long and I was in so much clear distress that the midwife now in charge of me had talked me round on pethadine and had the needle in her hand when the replacement arrived. He went through all the spiel about the dangers etc, then very quickly fixed me up. He sprayed me with a cold spray to check it had worked - clearly had, because I remember giggling where it tickled my sides, though I couldn't tell the difference in where it should have taken effect, something the midwife noticed so she re-sprayed me more slowly after he'd left. She felt that the epidural wasn't quite even but not to worry about. I could still barely feel a difference between the affected and non-affected area, but it was enough. They examined me and found he'd swung into the correct position and I'd jumped to fully dilated in the time it had taken to give me the epidural, so while I was still in huge amounts of pain for 2 out of 3 contractions it had clearly worked.

 

I was now in the active, push push push stage. So I push push pushed. After an hour or so, he hadn't budged so they gave me an oxitocin drip. This switched up my contractions: the third weak contraction dropped away entirely, and one of the other 2 increased in strength, but he still wasn't moving. They upped my epidural a couple of times, though never so much I couldn't move my legs. They kept checking my pushing, telling me to push "like I was doing a poo" until I doubted my ability to defecate under normal circumstances (Husbit says he thought they were expecting me to actually poo - a common occurance in childbirth - and kept trying to explain to them I hadn't been able to keep any food down for over 24 hours so was unlikely to do so). Eventually, they got in a doctor, who checked, confirmed my contractions were still all over the place and that I was pushing correctly, he was just stuck. She said she'd be able to use forceps in the room and to call her back once I was prepped... I don't think it took long (though by this point I was so out of it I was sleeping through some contractions), but she'd been called into surgery when they went for her. I'd been anxious about being in stirrups, thinking I'd be working against gravity but the bed could be adjusted so that wasn't the case. I was in that active, push push push labour for 3 hours 56 minutes.

The consultant did eventually return. Very quickly, my epidural dose was increased (I heard the doctor tell me to do this, but was too tired so a midwife kindly did it for me) and I was snipped, the forceps inserted and I was instructed to push as they pulled. I was too exhausted. I had nothing left. The midwife pushed down on my bump for me. I must have dozed off immediately, because they'd told me to do nothing on the next contraction, but my experience was that that next contraction was the one where he arrived.

The floomph of his body leaving mine was intoxicating.

They switched off the epidural immediately. I heard Husbit and my stepmum's voices, but not the words. I heard someone - the doctor or a midwife, not sure - say he was a boy and I had enough time to think "but I wanted a girl! What if I can't bond with him?" before he was shoved up the hospital gown to land on my chest in a puddle of goo. I had two concurrent thoughts then. One at the weight of him: "That's not what a newborn feels like! No wonder I had trouble.".

The other thought, at the feel of him, the smell of him, the sight of him, was overwhelming, so powerful it must have deafened receiving telepaths and given all psychics a headache this county and the next one over.

"MINE!"

 

Christmas Day Baby

Breaking my silence.

The bump got so big I couldn't comfortably type on the laptop, so I stopped blogging, and then Ziggy arrived and everything's been a bit of a blur since. I want to write up the birth and first few days, because it was very hard but I got through it and hopefully there things I can say that might help someone else, and writing about it will help me deal with it all. Ziggy still needs a lot of my time and energy, though, so it won't be just yet.

For now, some photos.

I said goodbye to the circus...

Ziggy & I have reached the third trimester!

We're both well. I'm tired and have neck, soulder, back and pelvic pain (pregnancy and fibro) but otherwise feeling pretty good.

I have had to finally give up circus until my abdomen has recovered after the birth. A really hard decision: part of me is terrified that I won't (want to) go back, it'll take months to return to where I was, and I miss it (and everyone) already! But I am too tired now, and my pelvic girdle pain, changing shape and weight, and stuff, there's too much I can't do. So that's it, now, until my rectus abdominus have recovered. I've done my best to avoid exercising them during pregnancy, to reduce diastasis recti, but I won't be allowed back until they've knitted back sufficiently - Vikki will make me do a sit up while she pokes the gap between by abs and once she can only fit 3 fingers in I'm allowed back.

I'm still going to pop along the weeks I'm not too tired, for the social side of it - and to stretch and maybe sneak up the silks occasionally just to keep myself sane!

We did a photoshoot a couple of weeks ago. I'm glad I was still on form for that. Photos won't be ready until around Ziggy's due date, but here's a "behind the scenes" snap for you to enjoy until then.

The photographer was Simon from the Image Cella. He specialises in pole, aerial and dance photography; you can see more on Instagram. I'll post my photos as soon after they're ready as I can, but I will have other things on my mind!

Part of me's hoping that having extra evenings free means I'll get back to blogging properly - I've got half an Exalted post waiting to be finished - but I'm not sure I'll have the energy even with more free evenings. I'll try, because next year I think I'll be even busier! ;-)

Pregnancy Thoughts

RPGaDay is over for another year, which means back to normal for this blog. I've got a few thoughts on things I read that I want to write about, particularly the idea that players should be fans of each other's characters (a piece of advice I'm very in favour of and shall endeavour to bring into practice moving forward). Inspired by this and Mark Knight's story about another player's character in one of his games, I also want to get back to writing about the other characters in games I'm in, or maybe will try to encourage my friends to write something for me - or both!

During August, I read an OSR piece because I don't know the difference between OSR and not-OSR and was hoping to learn, and what I learnt was that the biggest difference is that in OSR there's a subset of people who don't care that about sexism/racism/homophobia etc in gaming because it doesn't affect them, and who don't think that it matters that they don't care because gamers are nearly all middle-aged white men like they are - and who will be rude and shout down anyone who disagrees with them or even just tries raising a banner to say "I exist". Sigh. Not something I wanted to write about at the time because I wanted to focus on the positive side of gaming, but it is an issue that does need to be addressed.

Of course, the biggest thing on my mind is my pregnancy (it's one of the reasons why I feel the above issue is important.) It's going well - we're at 25 weeks, which means the foetus is considered viable and were I to go into labour they'd attempt to save the baby, which is reassuring. Foetal anomoly scan at 20 weeks revealed nothing of concern, so I'm still on course for a homebirth. Yay!

Something I've been meaning to do for a while is write about pregnancy in a bit more detail, either as a reference for GM's/players who want a pregnant character in their game, or for another pregnant person to stumble across to go "I'm not alone!" I'll have a go at the former another time, maybe, though I'm sure there's stuff here that might be interesting.

So, disclaimers first: 

• Every pregnancy is different. This is my experience of this pregnancy and may not reflect your experience at all, and that's ok!
• I am not a medical professional, practioner or trainee. If you have any concerns, speak to a midwife, nurse or GP. One thing I have experienced is that, in my local area at least, they really do want to hear from you if you have any issues, or even are just having a bad day

You hear stories about people who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth. If I didn't know people who'd had fairly symptomless pregnancies, or who didn't find out they were pregnant until late (7 months, in one case), I'd have joined the chorus of surprise and disbelief, but it looks as though this is actually more common than one might think. I had the opposite experience, with sufficient symptoms to suspect before implantation!

Things I Wish I'd Known

There's a lot of symptoms and side effects of pregnancy that suck, and I wish I'd been warned of a few beforehand:

• constipation and diarrhea
• insomnia despite being very, very tired (like being a teenager again!)
• pain in abdomen is normal, even early on - but get it checked out if you're at all worried
• people will judge you if you tell people early in the pregnancy (I did because I know miscarriage is very common and figured it would be easier to explain why I was in whatever state that would put me into should it happen to me if the people I was explaining to already knew I was pregnant - but people were very judgemental, especially older women and men of all ages. Not everyone, of course, but enough I stopped sharing and felt miserable about it)
• babies move less when it's hot (but if you're concerned, phone a midwife)
• baby movements are creepy and gross. I was thrilled when I started feeling them, but they quickly became creepy, gross and uncomfortable. After a slow down thanks to the heatwave, I find them reassuring and enjoy them again, but I really wasn't for a while 
• you're still tired in the second trimester. The pregnancy apps in particular will tell you all about how there's a sudden boost in energy when the second trimester starts, making it sound like more energy than you had pre-pregnancy. That may be the case for some people, but for me and everyone I've spoken to about it, it's been more like being slightly less exhausted than the adjacent trimesters
• body temperature rises. Until my body learnt how to regulate the new temperature, I felt I was trapped next to a furnace!
• headaches. Just constant headaches
• the first trimester is kinda like a 3 month long hangover

Things I'm Glad I Was Warned About

• first symptom: an outward pressure in the abdomen, which I'd have dismissed as IBS if I hadn't had a friend mention it
• super realistic dreams and nightmares associated with the pregnancy, birth and parenthood are normal. This would have really freaked me out if I hadn't known. The nastiest dream so far involved giving birth to a baby missing its skull and the bones in its right leg; the most amusing that I actually had triplets and one of them had travelled out of the womb and settled in my thigh - and no one was worried; the most recent was a normal labour and a healthy baby boy. I'm not having them frequently (yet) and not everyone has them, but it is common and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or the baby
• round ligament pain. When this started, I was pretty sure I knew what was wrong but if I hadn't heard of it I'd have been terrified - and as it was, Husbit was concerned. Basically, terrible pain whenever I got out of bed. Checked with the midwife and she confirmed what it was, and the pain hasn't felt as bad since: a little reassurance can go a long way
• pelvic girdle pain. One of my circus friends had a baby last year, and like me is hypermobile. She had PGP and warned me: 1 in 5 women will experience this, and it's more common in hypermobile people. The Flying Through Pregnancy book from Spin City that talks about how to do aerial safely while pregnant also warns of this. I'd had hip problems since early in the pregnancy, as I'd started sleeping on my side early to get used to it and found my upper hip trying to dislocate and the muscle around my lower hip becoming very sore (careful squats have helped with both issues, and a pregnancy pillow has made a huge difference to the subluxating feeling), but in the past week I've started to get pain in my perineal area and the front of my pelvis when I transition between sitting and standing, or when I roll over in bed, or if I turn awkwardly when walking. It varies from a mild thrum to very painful. Midwife has given me a form to refer myself for physio, so hoping that will help
• patches of darker skin. The linea negra is a line that can appear from belly button to pubic area and dark patches can appear on your face (a "mask of pregnancy"). I've not had these, but have developed freckles and dark patches on my breasts, which are unpleasant to look at and made me worry about breast cancer until I remembered my work colleague's face. A quick internet search later, and I felt fine (favourite comment from someone else with the same: "It's like my nipple is trying to grow as much areola as possible"). Will almost certainly go away after pregnancy
• baby movements become visible. I really enjoy this - when I heard about it happening to other people, I thought it sounded cool, but around when the movements were creeping me out I got worried that this would be even creepier. My mood was really low the day I first saw movement, which may be why I haven't found it creepy at any point: it cheered me up and I've enjoyed it ever since, but I suspect if I hadn't known it was a thing I'd have freaked out
• bump size and shape is really variable (that said, a neat bump is a sign of strong abdominal muscles, which will lead to an easier labour)
• pelvic floor exercises are important! I've not had any associated issues as yet, but if I do I'll be ok because I know it's normal
• perineum massage reduces tearing. I'm very glad to have known this before I received the information sheet explaining how to do perineum massage, because even forewarned it's freaked me out a little!

Things That Weren't The Way I Expected

• I knew morning sickness wasn't just the morning, but (like 50% of pregnant people) I found it was predominantly nausea with only very occasional vomiting - and the nausea was more disruptive than the vomiting. Also, my nausea started and ended earlier than average, and I didn't know that it was normal to still occasionally vomit in the second trimester
• hypersensitivity to smell was much more powerful than I expected: Husbit finally appreciated how sensitive I'd become when I walked into the kitchen saying "ooh, tarragon, yummy", smelling the herb as strongly as if he was holding it under my nose, when less than a teaspoon had gone into the dinner and he couldn't smell it at all, even knowing it was there
• I didn't go off spicy food in the first trimester - in fact, I wanted more of it! Now, I have a preference for sharp foods, like lemon sorbet and sour sweets. This is apparently more normal than the spicy food thing
• I've been much, much calmer than I expected
• sex drive skyrocketed in the first few weeks, then plummetted. I knew both of these things were possible, but the height was so much higher than I expected, and when it dropped I found I still enjoyed sex, I just didn't want to start it
• breast changes - they grew much faster than I expected, and that was very painful. They were also crazy sensitive and tingled all over
• hair growth is not limited to head hair. Not sure why I didn't think this through, but it's kinda obvious... Armpit hair, leg hair, random hairs on random body parts... 
• no food cravings. I've changed the times of day I'm hungry and the types of food I want to eat, but not had any strong or strange cravings. I have had whole days where I haven't wanted to eat; my little sister had the same first time round 
• the first scan was as magical as I'd been told, making it more magical than I expected. The second wasn't: maybe my expectations were higher, or maybe my head was just in a different place. It was cool, but didn't impact me the same way
• Braxton Hicks contractions start way earlier than I thought! Week 6, though I didn't feel any until a couple of weeks ago, and have only had them maybe twice
• thirsty all the time
• not allowed more than 200mg of caffeine per day - was expecting it to be hard, but went off the taste and even the smell of coffee during the first trimester. That lifted with the start of the second trimester and now I am finding it harder, some days, but still not as bad as I thought
• I need to ask for help with things I used to find easy because I tire out quickly
• I can still do aerial, fairly comfortably. I'm obviously taking it very gently and not doing anything that feels risky, and reading up as much as I can on what's safe, but I'm still feeling good to teach and practice. One midwife was very excited about this as a hobby, too, which I didn't expect
• used to be, when I was out and about and saw pregnant people or people with young children, I'd feel painful envy. Now, I get given a little secret smile as though I've been initiated into a private, hidden club

Things People Have Said That Are Annoying

• "Think you're tired now? That's the next 18 years!" - I have a history of insomnia and fatigue, so this is already something I worry about if I let myself. Being reminded of it is not helpful - and kinda patronising, because I already know and it ignores my experience
• "Don't google anything; it'll just scare you" - my experience with internet searches and pregnancy symptoms has been very reassuring. I often tag "NHS" to the end of a search to get factsheets, but even places like Mum's Net are reassuring rather than fearmongering. Even when you have symptoms that need checking out, the advice to do so is given calmly and in a supportive manner
• "Is it pink or blue?" - it's a person, not a colour
• (I know other people have found comments on their bump size annoying, but they don't bother me so much. Ditto pregnancy/labour horror stories: I have always found these weirdly reassuring)

 

Things People Have Said That Are Helpful

• "It's ok to hate pregnancy" - I couldn't imagine it at the time I was told this, but a week later I was very grateful
• "There's so many weird pregnancy symptoms, it would be even weirder if you didn't have anything weird" - from my sister (a trained nurse and then pregnant with her second child) in response to my worry about rib pain very early on
• "Relaxed parents have relaxed babies" - might not help another, but for me it helps me stay in control whenever I start to worry
• "Listen to your body"/"Trust your instincts" - for pregnancy and child-raising
• "If you're worried, talk to a midwife" - having phoned once for reduced movement, I understand that they really would rather you bother them over nothing than sit and stew. Talking about emotional issues at my last check up, my midwife informed me I should phone in if I'm feeling down again, because they'd much rather talk to me than not know
• "It's ok to want one gender more than the other" - I want a daughter, really, but have been afraid to admit it for fear of judgement (and because I've heard that transgender people are quizzed on whether their parents had a gender preference so I've worried if I have a son who turns out to be a daughter and it's known I wanted a daughter, they could end up being denied the ability to transition because it's assumed I've pressured them into it). Being told it was ok to have a preference enabled me to face up to it and accept it, and now I don't mind (most of the time) 
• "Your partner might not feel any connection to/interest in the baby until after the first/second scan/it's arrived" - his almost indifference to the child (although he's taking care of me) would be upsetting if other friends of mine hadn't recently had children and gone through the same, with the other parent now being as involved with the baby as the mother

Things That Are Great

• IBS, fibromyalgia, asthma and eczema symptoms went away completely for the first trimester and are still muted now (which means less pain, less fatigue, and ability to eat loads of things I couldn't before)
• wriggly baby! Responds to cold drinks, sugary/caffeinated drinks, Hanson and Green Day, and sometimes will poke back if I poke an area
• can ask for a glass of water in shops or other places when I'm out and about. The fact I have a prominent bump makes it hard for people to deny me!
• mum voice is starting to develop. Finding it a lot easier to stand my ground and tell people off...

There's loads more, I've no doubt, but this is already long and it'll do for now. Sorry if there's any repeats or anything obvious missed - I've written and re-written and haven't proofread because it's taken longer than I intended and I'm about to go out.

#RPGaDay2018: Day 26 - Your gaming ambition for the next year

It's pretty exciting. We're returning to Pathfinder to finish the storylines there. I've really missed playing Svetlana and am looking forward to reaching her promised "happily ever after".

I mentioned yesterday that I'm now playing some First Age Exalted, with the plan to head back to Aberrant, and from there, back to the other Exalted, the one with Taji and Kito, and then back to the Mage game that's just gone on break, with the idea that we'll alternate between these games to their natural conclusions, playing each for a few months at a time rather than years like we have been. I'm really looking forward to getting into this First Age Exalted game properly, and as for where we are in Aberrant, well, there's so much happening! I really want to know if Adam's "hallucination" means Benedict is alive, which would be really interesting. I'm also looking forward to the fallout of Adam's decision to leave his family in someone else's care while he's in prison, especially with Chrissie's trust issues, and out of character knowing Adam's thinking of leaving his family anyway - that's going to be interesting to deal with! We'll have a new player, too; the other player from the First Age game. I'm looking forward to seeing what character he comes up with and how he'll fit in.

But my biggest ambition for the next year is to carry on as normally as possible once this little parasite's arrived.

What're your gaming ambitions for the next 12 months? Let me know below!

Adventures in Moving - part 2

Sorry for the complete lack of anything for a while! Have not abandoned this blog, just busy with real life stuff and awaiting a replacement laptop. Has just arrived and I'm very excited - so shiny!

We're pretty much completely settled in now - Cat has several favourite spots to sit, and all except 2 rooms are unpacked. One of our friends is bringing by some extra bookshelves, which should mean we can finish off one of those rooms; the other is a mix of my clothes that won't fit in the wardrobe until we put up another rail (Husbit's working on it - he's learning DIY and everything!), and hobby stuff. My yarn is neatly tucked away, but the various Blood Bowl teams and old GW Fantasy/Gothic/Epic armies we own haven't yet found a satisfactory home. We want to turn that room into a decent guest room, so we need to get on it.

Games on shelves, and boxes of books

The garden looks amazing. Husbit's mum has a friend who's a gardener, so between the two of them they've transformed it! Decking and fencing have been treated, the barbecue pit cleaned and new grates purchased, a raised veg patch and compost heap built, and new turf laid.

Husbit strimming the old, lumpy lawn

Husbit and I need to clear the top layer of rubbish soil from the bed at the side of the lawn, and stick that in the veg box, then get some compost in there and finish with some top soil, which we'll also add to the bed. It's all new to both of us, so we're kinda enjoying it, but a little anxious that it's more work than we're going to want to do (I think it'll be fine - I keep hearing how addictive gardening can be, and I love Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4). The bed is going to have a mix of herbs and shrubs such as ferns; the veg box will definitely have raspberries and then I'll see how I go; and I recently learnt that you can grow fruit trees in pots, so that's something we both want to try. 

Location-wise, it's really convenient for me for work, but my job ends in a year when the department closes, and it's a lot more awkward for Husbit. We're also further from a lot of our friends than we'd like - but closer to others. We're no longer a 10/15min walk from the beach - far enough we'd need to cycle or drive - but we're within walking distance of the heaths and woodlands I grew up in, and our nearest beach is stunning. Nearest shops are about the same distance, but close earlier and are up a steep hill. (Actually, there are nearer shops, but for value and choice you need to walk a little further.) The neighbourhood is really nice, though. It's the area near where I grew up that had a really rough reputation, that even then it didn't entirely deserve any more. We love how friendly most of the neighbours are, and how quiet the roads. There's a little play park within spitting distance (and the big park I spent a lot of time in isn't much further, though you have to cross a main road). The nearest Pokestop is a bit of a trek now, but that's ok.

The really exciting bit of moving news is that my plan to fall pregnant ASAP worked: baby is due a week or so before Christmas (and I've left this to the end so if you're not interested you can skip it, and there's a tag "parenting while geek" you can ignorein future). Their room is fairly well organised - the previous owners left some furniture, some of which will go in the attic for now, but will be useful again when the child is... well, a child rather than a baby, and we've been offered cots and cribs and a changing table so that feels good.

12 week scan photot - there are fingers!

I found the first trimester quite hard - to begin with, I enjoyed it anyway because I was so excited, but the constant aches and nausea and exhaustion wore me down. Fortunately, I stopped feeling quite so ill by about week 10 (though would still throw up if I drank cold water for a few weeks. Cold sugary drinks and tap water - which was verging tepid due to the rising temperature - were fine), and while I'm still tired and still have aches in weird places, I'm not nearly as tired as was. I'm at a point where I feel a lot of little wriggles and that's creepy and weird and exciting. Can't wait to meet the wriggle monster! Nicknamed "Ziggy" because it sounds a bit like zygote and is nicely gender neutral. It looks like we've decided on a girl's name, and the possible list for boys is now quite short.

I was really surprised and delighted how excited my midwife was about me doing aerial - I was expecting to be told "no no no no no!" because of the fall etc, although I've taken steps to protect there. She thought it sounded great, because it's important to exercise throughout pregnancy and I clearly enjoy it. She says also because it works on your abs, it should provide benefit when I'm in labour - and she could tell I have good abs, because of the shape of my bump. Kinda explains why all the other circus mums had the neatest bumps I'd seen! Mine arrived really quickly, especially considering this is my first.

The current UK heatwave is killing me. I've been signed off for 2 weeks (so the timing of the arrival of the shiny new laptop was fortuitous!) to help me cope. I'd be struggling anyway, because this weather is the most consistent trigger I know for my fibromyalgia symptoms (which seem to be reduced by the pregnancy, although baby brain and fibro fog are basically the same thing, so that's been interesting).

Anyway, I need to go get some sleep for a bit. Can feel my body crashing. I'll post now and try to remember to come back later and add some images. (Woo, I remembered!)