Male Dominated Environment

I want to talk about this because it is my experience and it has hurt, and I'm afraid to talk about it because I'm afraid of treading on my male friends' feelings and I'm afraid of being yelled at by people who don't see what I see. But it bothers me, and a couple of events last weekend have tipped me over to the point I want to talk. To rage.

The examples are coming from Blood Bowl, but aren't unique to it, and there's going to be more swearing than usual, because this pisses me off. 

(Edit to add a link to this article with the intention of highlighting a paragraph in the middle that ends "the content of the abstract exercise that's so much fun for them is the stuff of my life" in the hopes it will dissuade anyone intending to comment in a devil's advocate role. Although I'm pretty sure you're all too awesome for that.)

Last weekend saw Husbit and I travelling up to Bristol for Bubba Bowl. The venue was familiar: Gert Bowl took place there last year and I remembered where the toilets were. Or thought I did: the blokes' loo was still where expected, but where the ladies' had been was an unlabelled door.

I went to check with the woman at the till, and she confirmed that the toilets were both unisex and advised to use the unmarked one because it was usually cleaner. She correctly interpreted my expression, because she went on to say she'd asked why the women's sign was removed and the men's not, and was told it didn't matter.

And that's what pisses me off: not that the toilets are unisex - I think that's very sensible, really - but that the people making the decision don't realise (can't realise?) that actually it does matter, that leaving the male symbol proud and virilant and removing the female symbol makes it feel like that's how women should be in that space: unseen. And it doesn't matter, except it does.

The same weekend, I won a game despite some terrible luck on my first turn (I'll share more on the adventures of Strictly Come Wardancing at the weekend in another post). My opponent is an avid tweeter of Blood Bowl events, which is how this ended up in my notifications:

Too fucking right he lost to me. I'm a good player, was using a good team I know well, was showing no mercy due to his lack of sportsmanship in our previous encounter. I've played Blood Bowl since I was a teen. I win games all the fucking time, when I don't take a stunty team (and usually some even then).

Every time I look at this tweet I get angrier: this is the bit that's earnt the swearing warning above because it has me so fucking angry. I'm sure it's meant to be a joke, meant to be funny, but it diminishes me and my gender, reduces us to a punchline, and you know what? FUCK THAT. I am not standing for it any more. I've heard this 'joke' too many times. Of course he fucking lost to a girl - a woman - I'm a good player. And it's not like Blood Bowl is a physical sport (where of course men always beat women)(bonus interview with Dr Miller). 

Oh but wait, I can beat other Blood Bowlers at physical stuff too. It's not entirely surprising - see my circus tag if you aren't familiar with how I keep fit - but if you're wondering why you haven't heard about this before, the event where I won this certificate was another event where I ran into unintended, kindly meant sexism, and that tainted my experience enough I didn't know how to write up the event without mentioning it and that meant I never wrote the event up, and missed the next few on top.

See, at Thrud Ball last summer, one of the extra charity events was to ride a mechanical bull. It's a long time since I'd tried a mechanical bull, and both my previous attempts had seen me pitched off within seconds. This time, though, the improved balance and core strength from circus meant not only could I stay upright, but more importantly when I started to slip I could correct and retain my balance - and this was happening instinctively, as my body clung on for dear life. So strong was this instinct, in fact, that when the bruising was getting too much for my poor shins, I decided to bail. It took three attempts, because I was holding on so tightly and balancing so well. If I'd had extra padding (another competitor had worn proper chaps, whilst I had cheap jeans made of fashion denim), I could comfortably have stayed up much longer. And even so I got the longest time, and was so proud of myself and wanted to boast about it but couldn't because the unexpected sexism kept creeping back and overtaking my pleasure. 

Another of the extra events was a gurning competition: all the competitors were to line up and a photo would be taken of us pulling stupid faces and the people running the event would judge the ugliest face for a prize. And I was looking forward to taking part and being in a fun group shot with my friends. Only the people organising it had other plans: I was a girl, so I could judge it. I refused, but they also kept me out of the photo and that wasn't fair. I'm sure they meant it as an honour, but I was there as one of the Blood Bowlers and should have been treated the same as any of them and they should have respected my spoken preference to be in the photo than have to judge a contest that effectively comes down to favouritism, something I wouldn't have been comfortable to do anyway.

It reminded me of all those times back when I learned Ju Jitsu and my (always male) partner would refuse to hit me because his mother had taught him you don't hit girls. 'Sfunny, my parents taught me not to hit anyone, but on the mats you aren't 'anyone' and I'm certainly not 'a girl': we are both jitsuka; we are both there to learn, and how am I going to learn to defend myself from people who are happy to hit girls (women) if you won't give me a decent punch to protect myself from? Especially irksome after I got my yellow belt and novice men would still do this, even after Sensei had pointed out that if I hadn't learnt to get out of the way of their punch it was my own fault. I never showed qualms at hitting these people. I just wish they'd return the favour: the mat is a special place and they should have respected it (and me) as such.

The first time I encountered sexism in the geek community was when I was hanging out wiht a friend I knew through Games Workshop, and he wanted to pick up his comics. We went to the shop, and the guy in there kept staring at me until I felt very uncomfortable. I've been back to the shop a few times since - it was, at one time, pretty much the only place to get roleplay supplies in my local area - and every time I felt I had to prove myself a geek, prove I had a right to be in the shop as a person, not a gawking point.

University was liberating. Our Wargames And RolePlay Society had a maybe 40/60 female&non-gender-binary/male split, and I don't remember my gender ever mattering.

The worst was the Amsterdam Blood Bowl World Cup. It was an amazing experience, and at least the womens' toilets remained separate (this is not a dig at the Bubba venue, but at the Lucca World Cup, where they opened the womens' toilets to the men, who then pissed all over the floor and walls or pissed with the cubicle doors wide open and other things that are against unisex toilet etiquette, in my book), but it was marred by one thing (asides dice that couldn't roll above a 2), and to explain why it was a problem, I need to set the scene a little first.

There were 480 players in the tournament, plus referees and event staff (all male). Of the players, 3 of us were presenting as female, so in a hall of 480+ people, I'm outnumbered, by gender, at least 160 to 1. It was significant that, even though most of the people I spoke to were kind and friendly and fun and even though I was used to being one of the lads, I started to feel intimidated.

And then the team walked past me. Normally, I'm all for people celebrating their sexuality, but in that environment, with anxiety already tingling inside, to have six burly men walk past in t-shirts saying loudly "No Women Allowed", with the symbol usually found on women's toilets emblazoned on the front with in a circle with a slash through... It was horribly, horribly intimidating. I felt very trapped and alone, and it was difficult for the men around me to understand that, and it was difficult for me to explain without sounding like I was overreacting.

And this is something that vexes me: when I do complain, I get told I'm overreacting, or wrong, or it might be like that for me but I'm unlucky, most women don't get catcalled if they go out with their hair loose, or that that person is nice and would never do the things I'm hurt by so they don't really understand why I'm telling them (because I need it off my chest before I implode: because I'd like them to see it through my eyes so they know it can help if they try to diffuse it when they see other men doing it). And then, if it's in a geek situation, I'll hear the same person wonder why there aren't more women in the hobby, or why they can't get a nice gaming girlfriend, or why did their girlfriend lose interest so quickly after he introduced her to the hobby, and I want to scream because I can tell them why but they won't hear.

TL;DR: If you have a gaming venue and decide you'd rather have unisex toilets (which definitely makes a lot of sense) make sure both/all your toilets are labelled the same way (and that that way isn't exclusively male), and if you're gay male and want to celebrate your sexuality, consider the way you're doing that and how it might affect other people who are also going to be in a minority at the event. And if you're organising an event and women show up, treat us as normal people and as part of the paying crowd. 

Inspirational People: Ursula K. Le Guin

My triumvirate of favourite authors, I have mentioned before, consists of Sir Terry Pratchett, Patrick Rothfuss, and Ursula K. Le Guin. Of these, Ursula Le Guin rules queen. (Most of the time, anyway. I can be fickle.)

Photo © 2014 Jack Liu

I grew up in a house of books, and it was wonderful. I remember learning to read with my Mum, but I don't remember not being able to read at least a little any more than I can remember not being able to talk at least a little. I am grateful to my parents and my genetics for that - it's taken much longer for my very dyslexic younger sister to read with the pleasure I take for granted.

But despite her dyslexia, when my Dad was preparing his will and asked my younger siblings and I if there were any books we particularly wanted, we each immediately requested the Le Guins. He trawls charity shops for her older books (older books have a particular feel as well as that biblichor smell that makes them more desirable), and gives any he already has to whichever child arrives first and doesn't own that one.

Before anything else by Le Guin, I read the first volume of her short story collection, The Wind's Twelve Quarters. Many of the stories affected me - Darkness Box and The Word of Unbinding stand out particularly because each spoke to my fear of death, but it was Semly's Necklace that cut me the deepest, because as well as my fear of death it sang to the gaping loss of my mother half a life before.

Rocannon's World was the first of her novels I read. It's my memory that I read The Wind's Twelve Quarters because my Dad wanted me to read Semly's Necklace in preparation for Rocannon's World, but having recently re-read the novel I realise Semly's Necklace - or a version of it - makes the first chapter so perhaps I'm wrong. I enjoyed A Wizard of Earthsea, which I read later, but not as much as her science fiction and not as much as my Dad hoped I would, but I want to re-read it now because I think my adult mind will find more in it than my child's mind, seeking adventure, did.

My favourite title of any book ever is The Word for World is Forest (I also love Patrick Rothfuss's The Name of the Wind, and Le Guin comments on how beautiful his language is in that book), but my favourite of all her books - the one that had the biggest impact on shaping the way I think - is The Left Hand of Darkness. I will try not to say much so as not to give spoilers, but I was a young teen when I read it, and gender was a very fixed and binary thing to me, and I'm thankful to have read this book then so it could have such an impact on me and open my eyes to the world as it is, instead of as society pretends it is.

I am currently reading Dancing at the Edge of the World. It makes me smirk and want to cry and above all it makes me think. There have been many highlights, but something I particularly enjoyed was the way she shared a piece she'd written a decade earlier that she no longer fully agreed with. Instead of presenting it in a changed form with no explanation, she has presented it in it's original, with additional italic annotations explaining what she no longer agrees with and why, and how she would re-word aspects if she were to write it now (or at least, the now of when this was published). It is all the more powerful for it: to be able to admit that our opinions can change is a vital step in communication, in community building. 

I have tagged this 'inspirational people' because her fiction has had a huge impact on me; the worlds she has created have affected the way I view this world; her poetry in prose is something I strive towards (although, it is my own style, my own poetry, I am seeking). She is part of why I can't help but write, why story holds me so closely, but she is also part of why I am comfortable calling myself feminist, and why at least trying to be inclusive, intersectional in my feminism matters to me.

Reading Dancing at the Edge of the World, I am realising that her voice is so gentle and so strong, it compels me to seek mine. I could not (should not) write her stories, but she is a pilot star as I seek my own.   

Esther Stardust - 'psychic' grifter

When looking for paper, I found draft Cyberpunk 2020 characters! I've shared Elfie and Damson with you before, so here's Esther.

Intelligence 6, Cool 8, Move Allowance 7

Reflex 8, Attractiveness 8, Body 6

Tech 8, Luck 9, Empathy 9

Then it looks like I didn't finish statting her skills: there's the number 64 circled, and a list of the skills I was going to split that between:

Grifter (5), wardrobe, grooming, endurance, fitness, swimming, interrogate, resist torture, streetwise, human perception, interview, lip reading, persuasion/fast talk, seduction, awareness/notice, athletics, brawl/melee, dance, handgun, pick lock, disguise, pick pocket/sleight of hand.

Esther's 19 years old, a member of an extended nomad family. She's one of triplets, and is close with her sisters Gwenevere and Isis, less close with her elder sister Amery, her younger sister Angel and her brother Tyler; the relationship with her younger sister Chantelle has always been rocky but has come to verge on all out war... It probably started when Esther was 16 and ended up with Chantelle's boyfriend Kyle, a traveller from another family.

To make money, Esther tells fortunes and acts as a psychic. She's good at it too, cold reading by instinct before apprenticing and training in earnest. Her first real client was Peter Bridgeford, a driven young man desperate for promotion yet getting nowhere. She psychically divined his team leader was taking credit for his work, and told him where to go to find the evidence. In truth, this had more to do with her ability to talk detail out of people without them noticing: she listened to Peter, then snuck to his office and talked to staff there without them finding out who she was. It wasn't difficult, as such, but she enjoyed the investigation and the deceit - and the pay in her pocket and his promise of help if she ever needed it didn't hurt either.

She hasn't called that favour in yet, either, though she did consider it when the police pinned a series of thefts on her. She suspected Chantelle set her up, although she has no proof and it seems low even for her. She went into hiding until the heat died down, but now her family are nowhere to be seen. They may have just got bored with the area and moved on, but while Esther doesn't get on well with her family, she doesn't believe that of them truly...

More dice!

One of my colleagues may have discovered I own quite a lot of dice. He may then have got himself more dice than he needed for Christmas, and decided the sensible thing to do would be to give the excess dice to me. This might mean I now have a drawer full of dice at work...

My dice collection has grown extensively since I last discussed it. I was pretty good with the dice my friend gave me: the prettiest have come home with me, and the rest are in my drawer waiting for me to find a use for them. Maybe by finding other people who want some, or maybe we can use them instead of cards for playing 'planning poker' now we've moved to an Agile/Scrum working method. Or maybe some other use entirely will arise.

 

And talking about dice is nice and easy because I don't need to worry about laws of narrative or telling a good story or anything else that, while enjoyable, involves more thinking than I have right now.

 

So, here's my complete Blood Bowl collection:

 

There's a griffin die you might just be able to see toward the top left - I thought I'd taken a better shot of it, but can't find it if I did. I must have picked this up by accident years ago and have been trying to track down it's owner since I found it in my collection. If anyone knows whose it is and can help me return it I'd be grateful!

 

My collection breaks down roughly as follows:

Blocking Dice

Nothing new here.

And these are from the Australian Open. I thought I had a set in a bone colour too, but it seems I was wrong. We've not actually been to the Australian Open: these were an ARBBL spot prize. I've met several Aussie players, though, between the 2 World Cups I've made it to, and if I ever make it to Aus/NZ, I'll definitely be looking to play some Blood Bowl while I'm there.

Misc Dice

Mostly d8's for scatters as explained before, also the injury dice. The d12 is useful at tournaments for determining which player on the pitch is affected by eg a thrown rock: the d16 is of less use because there's a max of 11 players and often at tournaments players aren't numbered, as most are resurrection rather than progression events. This one was a gift sent to make me smile.

 

NAF Dice

Also tokens. Dice for being a NAF member, tokens for making it to the NAF champs... Actually, the round one was for the Amsterdam World Cup. D16 for finding a numbered player on a full roster, eg for a thrown rock or to award MVP.

 

Halfling Dice

I talked about these before, but I still really like them. Halflings are a team I really enjoying playing with. I don't recommend them for a beginner, but they are fantastic if you're not expecting to win.

 

World Cup Dice

Given to me by various people at the Amsterdam and Lucca World Cups. There was another d6 which has progressed instead to my roleplay bag because - being a skull in a stetson for the 6 - it feels like a great Deadlands wild card die.

 

Local League Dice

Top photo includes Team Chaos (purple), Bubba Bowl (teddy bear), Exe-Bowl (black and gold), Chelmsford Bunker/Hawk'd dice (both from my friend Hawk), ARBBL (pumpkins), our own Exiles (black&white), and the Double Skulls podcast (luminous green). The bottom photo are Lutece dice - being French, they aren't particularly local, but I do have many of their dice so I wasn't sure where to include them. Was hoping to get to their tournament this year, but it clashes with a friend's wedding. Would like to one year, though - I hear good things, et j'aime l'opportunite de parler en Francais.

 

Traded Dice

I want to get some more Exiles dice made up, and some personal ones (with a Fern leaf or storm cloud symbol on the 6 - my NAF name being Tempest) so I can do more trades.

And on to the roleplay dice: 

 

I love my dice bag, a present from a friend at uni. The little pouch beneath it is the one that holds my haematite dice - you might be able to make them out in the picture, they're very small and a dark grey metal. The wooden frame encasing the felt flame is for rolling dice in: we did a £10 limit secret santa in our Pathfinder group, and this was hand made for me as I often sit at an angle that makes rolling dice on the table a bit awkward - and also because I'm anxious to use my haematite dice for fear of damaging them or the table. I'm thrilled with it.

 

I was surprised to realise that the entire extent of my percentile and d12 collections are those from sets. For percentiles, this is likely because I want the colour/style to match, or I'll just use two distinct d10's and roll one at a time or state which colour is tens and which units. For d12's, Husbit explained they're the least used dice: systems that use die type usually have 12 as a cap, so you'll have few if any stats that high, and whilst it is a damage die in D&D, he couldn't from the top of his head think of any weapon that used it.

 

I'm not sure how I've ended up with so many d4's and d8's, though. I mean, partly it's my work friend's fault because there were lots of pretty d4's and some pretty d8's (and no d12's at all, and only one percentile, with no matching d10), but I've still got more than I've ever had reason to use. I feel like I want to play a game that uses lots of d4's. Or maybe use them as a burglar deterrent...

 

 

Oh Internet, where art thou?

Our internet has gone down. It's incredibly vexing. I also can't sleep, so am writing this on my phone to try and distract myself without disturbing Cat, who's sound asleep on my stomach but who has been waking up like a child with night terrors recently, so if she's sleeping nicely I'd like to let her.

But I can't sleep so I'm seeing how this goes... I'm not a big fan of using my phone this way, but it isn't as awkward as I feared. I apologise for any typing or autocorrect errors, though.

The internet was working on Friday. It's remarkable how deep into my life it's entrenched itself: Saturday, it flickered on for long enough for a few notifications to ping through before going down. Since then, nothing. I thought it'd be great; annoying that I wouldn't be able to do the posts I wanted, but without distraction I could get so much else done. Thought I'd start by looking up a nice knitting pattern for my next project...

Oh, no Google. I can do some more colouring. Except I'm a little bored of the images I have, I'll just find some more and print those.

Or not.  Well, I wanted to do a character portraits of my Exalted character, Taji. I have a very definite idea in my head, but it would be easier to draw if I had some references, so I'll just do a quick Google image search...

Back to the colouring. Actually, there's one picture I particularly like. I have a story stemming from it, full of traditional British folk lore. Just need to do a quick bit of research, and I don't need the internet for that: I can go to the library!

Except by now it's Sunday.

So Kitty and I spent the weekend curled up on the sofa whilst I read like I haven't since I was a teen. 

An engineer is due to visit us Wednesday, so hopefully I should be back online properly then. I'm sure I can cope til then...

UPDATE: It's Wednesday, and I'm back online! I was going to give you a proper post this evening, but instead am in a very similar position to the above picture, only I'm most of the way through Mockingjay.